Great Expectations

I train in the art of Brazilian Jiu Jitsu several days a week. 

When any group of people meets on a regular basis, "cliques" have a habit of forming among the participants. This group is no different. 

It has subdivided into two groups of regulars: 1. A bunch of old guys who love to get together and prattle on about politics. 2. The younger crowd of die-hard fighters who live for the sport of BJJ.

To be clear, these groups are not at odds and everyone gets along wonderfully. That said, there is a clear divide in social gatherings outside of class. As for me, I'm friends with both groups equally and tend to drift back-and-forth as the humor strikes me.

I had always enjoyed my neutrality, but then something strange happened that caused me to question how my fellow jiteros viewed me - both groups simultaneously engaged in a series of outside "group activities" and invited those whom they wished to attend... 

I didn't receive a single invite. Not a whisper, not a head nod... nothing.

Totally snubbed.

I was outraged. I thought, "I invited them all to my house for a barbecue last July 4th... yet, not ONE of them thought to send me a note of invite? NOT ONE???"

Not gonna lie... it hurt a little. 

So, I harbored a small resentment for minute, then licked my wounds and stepped back to examine the situation...

I knew the snub didn't come from a place of "dislike" for me. I got along well with everyone in both groups. Rather, it came from my own lack of involvement and passion for the things that obviously interested them (politics and BJJ fanaticism). I was "neutral," which to them meant "uninterested."

So I asked myself, "What is it you want from them? Do you REALLY want to be a part of their groups?  If so, it's up to you to make that happen. You need to dive into politics with the old guys and join their echo-chamber! You need to turn-up your training sessions with the young crowd, start showing up 5-6 days a week, and go to out-of-town tournaments with them. They like you and WILL accept you, but you have to MAKE AN EFFORT to do what they do if you want to fit in."

In essence, I had to examine my part in these relationships. My natural reaction was to go on the defense, to be hurt by their actions because they weren't behaving in a way that I found acceptable, when what I needed to do was look at my actions and decide WHAT I COULD DO DIFFERENTLY in order to change the outcome.

I thought about these options for a moment and decided, "NOPE! I'm good where I am!" The idea "being accepted" really only appealed to my ego. Once I put all that aside, I was okay with my station in these groups and, in turn, my butt hurt a whole lot less!

So often, in my life, I develop unrealistic expectations of others. When they don't behave in a way I deem acceptable, I get angry without taking a moment to examine my part in the transaction.

In the end, I've come to the realization that I'm not everybody's cup of tea!

And that's okay.

Alas, I Knew Him Well

I recently lost a dear friend to addiction. 

He didn't die. In fact, he's alive and healthy (as much as one in addiction can be), but he's lost all the same.

This person was my first sponsor. He walked me through the early days of my recovery. He was my confidant, my sounding board, my mentor. When the world had given up on me, he did not.

When I was 6 months sober, he asked, "What's the one thing you can't see yourself doing sober?"

"Vegas" I snapped back. "I can't imagine doing the casinos."

"Okay," he said, "I've got some extra frequent flyer miles... we're going to Vegas." And that's exactly what we did. He booked the flights, the hotel, and spent the weekend with this newcomer who he barely knew, showing me that sobriety was possible in any circumstance.

I was floored by the experience - it meant the world to me and launched a close friendship that lasted more than two decades. We worked together, we dined together, we travelled together. When I went through my divorce, he was there for support. When his father passed, my wife and I were there for support.

We were good friends.

In year 19 of his sobriety, he relapsed. I won't go into the details, that's his story to tell. Sufficed to say, he was firmly "off the wagon." It didn't shake me. Sober or not, I would always owe him. He was my friend. He was my brother.

Over the last 14 years, we've kept that friendship going, him active in his disease and me sober. We've had many good times together - we've laughed, we've bickered, we've cheered, we've mourned. We've been there for each other for 20+ years, all in.

Recently, for no explicable reason, he cut all ties and ended our friendship. 

*POOF* Gone. Just like that. No rhyme or reason, no phone call, no explanation... just gone. It was wholly without merit or expectation. 

I was grieved.

What happened? What changed? WHAT DID I DO???

No idea. I can only suppose that his disease has taken hold of him, his conscious too heavy to face any reminders of a sober life once lived.

That's what addiction does, what it HAS to do, in order to survive. It must cut off all possibility of sobriety in order to thrive. I was a walking reminder of his losing fight against addiction, so I had to go. 

I am not the first, nor will I be the last loved one he loses in this battle. Sadly, the last person he will lose will be himself. On that day, the war will be over.

I'll miss my brother. I'll miss that friendship, but I can't chase it. His actions have made clear that he no longer values our connection. I must accept that and move on. 

Of course, I'd love to know what happened, why my dear friend decided to end our relationship. Alas, the deepest part of me knows there is no valid reason. I must let it go and learn to go where I'm appreciated, not where I'm tolerated.

I've lost another friend to addiction.

It grieves me... but life goes on.

Love the One You're Near

Someone once said (who knows who), "It is impossible to love another person if you don't first love yourself."

I personally proved this to be true while in my disease. In 14 years of active addiction, I didn't have a single serious relationship.  I didn't feel I was worthy of love. To my mind, I was broken. I knew it, and if anyone spent any significant amount of time with me, they would know it. 

I was unlovable. Nobody would want me.

Early in my sobriety, I worked a job teaching musical theater to children ages 4-17. I loved it. The most rewarding part was to watch a child discover him/herself and bloom into self-awareness before my eyes. The power of self discovery, self confidence, self respect, and self love. To watch a human grow into their skin and admire themself... nothing more beautiful.

But something was missing. I couldn't do it anymore. As much as I enjoyed helping young artists grow, something was missing in the equation. 

Then it dawned on me... everything I was teaching those children (self confidence, self respect, etc.) was focussed on one thing: "self." 

Yes, this was wonderful, but it was missing one important ingredient: "Others." The Arts were teaching them how to love, help, and respect themselves, but not how to pay it forward to others. Sure, some will argue that the Arts are all about "giving to others," but on the surface it's simply an escape, an admiration of someone else's creation and interpretation.

What I'm referring to is a deeper, more selfless and driving love that inspires people to pull their fellow man out of the mud, give them hope, and send them into the world to do the same for others. In some circles, this is referred to as "discipleship."

To be clear, I'm in no way burying the Arts. Any form of art, be it performance, visual, or otherwise, adds great value to our society and should be lauded. For me, personally, it just wasn't enough to scratch the itch in that unreachable area between the shoulder blades of my soul.

It was around this time that I worked the 4th and 5th steps. I discovered what made me tick, which allowed me to forgive myself. An amazing thing happened... I began to LOVE myself.

As I worked through the steps, my self-love grew. By the time I got to Step 12, I was far enough along in my journey and loved myself enough that I was able to pay it forward and help someone else.

I was finally able to love others, as I had learned to love myself.

And that was exactly the itch I was looking to scratch.

Animal Instinct

I have always found it odd that humans have the ability to hate someone without ever having met them. 

Happens all the time. We hear stories about celebs, sports stars, musicians, politicians and allow our personal "truth" to evolve via confirmation bias. We have no concrete evidence of reported behaviors from aforementioned celebrities, but no matter, we accept the offered tales as "truth" and affirm our dislike for that individual with a fierce and loathsome prejudice.

I've had it happen in my personal life, having discovered (usually after the fact) that someone I had never spoken to (much less personally harmed) harbored a deep disdain for me. This person didn't just dislike me, they despised me and actively dragged my name through the mud. They had been influenced by a third-party who held a grudge and decided to pick up the torch of hatred and carry it into battle against someone they didn't know, regarding an issue that didn't involve them.

Not just the one person. Many people. Many times.

INSANE.

Why? What is behind such stupidity?

Turns out the answer is fairly simple: People are animals.

Have you ever noticed how a flock of birds moves with one mind? If one of them senses danger and takes to flight, the entire flock will follow suit, without question. The birds don't require personal contact with the predator, or even visual confirmation, they just "take their buddy's word for it" and fly away.

It's a survival technique.

In the same way, humans are pack animals.

In 10,000 BC, if a fellow villager ran out of the jungle a yelled, "Look out! There's a sabertooth tiger in the bushes!" you didn't go investigate to see if the danger was real; you took his word for it and RAN! It's how our species survived.

Nowadays, there are no man-eating lions in the bushes (at least not in my neighborhood), but the "instinct" still survives. Many humans (let's be honest, typically the "lower evolved" and "less intelligent" ones) have yet to differentiate between a predatory sabertooth and the person who may be competing for a job promotion against their pal. When their buddy says, "That guy doesn't deserve the promotion, he's a big jerk that cheats on his wife!" - that's all it takes. There will be no investigation, no questioning... he'll just assume his buddy is telling the truth and ring the alarm to notify the rest of the village.

9 of 10 times, his buddy is bending the truth (if not outright lying) in order to spread disinformation that will (hopefully) get back to the employer and discredit the competition. He's willing to manipulate people around him and ruin his rival's reputation in order to get what he wants. 

He's not a good person. If you fall for his manipulations and do his bidding, you're not a good person, either.

This approach worked well for our ancestors, but in the modern age it lacks empathy and kindness. In order to better ourselves as human beings and make the world a better place, it's high time we learn to manage our instincts and opt for intelligence, fair play, and benevolence.

It's a big ask, but I'm pretty sure we're a bit more evolved than a flock of pigeons.

Push to Failure

“It’s not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters.”                              -Epictetus

To put it another way, "We can't control what happens, but we can control our response."

We've all had dreams. Whether it was to be an astronaut, the president of the US, or first baseman of the NY Yankees. Or maybe it was a more attainable dream; perhaps to go to a particular college, become a doctor, or raise a family.

Did you achieve those dreams? Did your addiction get in the way? Did you fail to fulfill them?

Good news! Dreams are not defeated through failure, only by failing to try in the first place. 

So many people push themselves up to the point of failure, then quit for fear of failing. They don't understand that failure is good! Identifying the point of failure is the only way to avoid it -- It's a key component to success and growth. 

In weight lifting, there's a concept known as "pushing to failure." The idea is that you keep stacking more and more weights on the bar until you physically cannot lift the bar. Essentially, your muscles "fail" at the given task. 

At this point, an amazing thing happens... your muscles say, "Hey, this is too heavy. We can't lift it!' To which your brain responds, "Then we need to do something about that!" and signals your muscles to grab more protein from your blood stream to build themselves up in order to lift that weight.

So, those big body-builders you see down at muscle beach... they got that way by repeated failure!

Then there's the naysayers and gatekeepers; people who love to wallow in mediocrity. The only thing they fear more than change is the possibility of failure. As such, they wage war against anything or anyone who attempts to succeed, because success arrives hand-in-hand with the thing they fear most -- failure. Your dream threatens to rock the boat and highlight their mediocrity, therefore it must be destroyed. 

They will set themselves up as gatekeepers, blocking you from moving forward.

Many times, they will succeed... and that's okay. 

Years ago, I worked as a youth pastor for a flailing church in Southern California. The head pastor decided we should run a summer day-camp program and asked me to organize it. "Of course," he explained, "we have to clear it with headquarters, first."

This particular "headquarters" was no different than any other governing body, as it was mired in protocol and politics. The hope of getting anything accomplished in an expedient time-frame was wishful thinking, at best. As expected, our "approval" came at the 11th hour... far too late to launch a successful summer program (most parents had scheduled their child's summer activities MONTHS prior).

The program was a DISMAL failure, an utter embarrassment. Since I was responsible for launching the program, all fingers pointed at me. When I pushed back on HQ regarding the impossible timeline due to their tardy approval, their response was, "You shouldn't have waited for approval, you should have just done it!"

Anyone who has worked in a bureaucracy knows first-hand the folly behind that bit of advice. Had I moved without approval, I would have been in trouble. If I didn't, the program would fail. It was a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" situation, if ever there was one.

I wanted to blame someone. I wanted people to know it was the gate keepers, not me, who foiled the plan. I had everything lined up, ready to go... it was their incompetence that caused the program to fail, not mine!

Eventually, I realized that it was my fault in the end. The success or failure of the program laid with me alone. What's the worst that would have happened had I moved forward without permission? A slap on the wrist, at most. As my father always says, "Success covers a multitude of sins." 

It was my failure for relying on visionless people to comprehend and support my dream.  

In sobriety, we will have naysayers and gatekeepers. Our sobriety will require change, which will threaten some of those around us. They will resist the idea and want us to fail. They will slow us down and throw up roadblocks. They will erect temptation and lay obstacles in our path. If we succumb, they will point at us and say, "See, we told you, you would fail! Why do you even bother trying?"

We can't rely on their support to stay sober. We have to do it ourselves. 

And even if we fail, all is not lost... just pick a new date and try again. Failure is not a death sentence. Failing to try is a death sentence. Literally.

That said, if you once had a dream of becoming the President, it's never to late to try... after all, the current Commander-and-Chief is in his 80's!

Am I an Alcoholic?

The only person who can answer this question for you, is you.

To help you determine for yourself, honestly answer "yes or no" to the following questions:

Do you ever drink alone?

Do you ever have to hide your drinking?

Have you ever lied about your drinking to a doctor, employer, or loved one?

Have you ever been pulled over for drinking and driving?

Has a doctor ever told you to cut back on your drinking?

Has drinking ever negatively affected your life, job, or relationships in any way?

Do you order extra drinks at last call or finish other people's drinks for them?

Do you ever black out?

Have you ever set limits on your drinking (e.g. "I'll only have one drink, then I'm leaving" or "Only wine and beer, no more hard stuff" or "No drinking during the weekdays, only weekends", etc.)? Did you ultimately fail at those limitations?

Have you ever felt like your drinking has held you back, that your life might be better if you didn't drink?

If you answered "yes" to one of these questions, you might be an alcoholic. If you answered "yes" to two of these questions, you're probably an alcoholic. If you answered "yes" to three of these questions... you're DEFINITELY an alcoholic.

As a newcomer, I didn't want to believe I was an alcoholic. "I never drank during the day... I never blacked out... I never, I never, I never..." I was looking for the differences, rather than the similarities.

How many times have we heard of someone who died of a heart attack because they only had "a few" symptoms of heart failure, so they decided to ignore the problem? Perhaps they had numbness and aching in their left arm, but they didn't feel pain or tightness in their chest, so they disregarded it. Looking for the "differences" in their symptoms, rather than the "similarities," resulted in their death.

The same goes for addiction. Just because you only have a few symptoms of alcoholism doesn't mean you don't have the disease. You're not off the hook.

For me, it came down to "Control and Enjoy": 

I could absolutely control my drinking. I'd say to myself, "I'll only have one drink at the bar, then I'm leaving"**  I'd have one drink and I'd leave, no problem... but I didn't enjoy that drink because I knew it wasn't enough to get me where I needed to be.

I could also enjoy my drinking by taking the governor off and imbibing until I was sated (AKA "passed out"). In other words, control had to be set aside so that enjoyment could be had.

I had the ability to control, I had the ability to enjoy, but I was incapable of doing them both at the same time. For me, the inability to control and enjoy, simultaneously, makes me an alcoholic.

At the end of the day, as previously stated, nobody can tell you if you're an alcoholic. The only person who can determine that truth for you is you.

So, are you an alcoholic? That's not the important question. The real questions is, what are you going to do about it?

** Do you know who never says this to themself? People who aren't alcoholics.

Bad Apples

"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing." -Edmund Burke

I've been a member of many churches, AA groups, and fellowships. At the core of every one of them was the promotion of unity, love, and compassion. Yet, without fail, nearly every one of these groups became overrun by bad apples; bullies who forced their will upon those around them, then went to war with anyone who would dare oppose.

These "Bad Apple Takeovers" seem to be universal across the board. 

So, why do good men do nothing?

The very nature of a good person is to promote kindness, empathy, compassion and good will. By nature, the good person wants nothing to do with negativity. As such, they remain silent or move on to another fellowship, whereby leaving a void to be filled by the responsible bad apple. 

Conversely, the nature of a bad apple is to pursue conflict, stir the pot of dissonance, and crush opposing voices. Once the good people are silenced or driven off, they proceed to gain control and run the group into the ground.

Therein lies their strength: The uncanny ability to convince others of the righteousness of their cause.

Once destroyed, the bad apple will find someone else to blame for the group's misfortune, then move onto another fellowship to repeat the process, ad infinitum. 

To be fair, these "bad apples" are rarely malicious. They REALLY believe they're doing what's best for the group. Their only fault lay in their utter incompetence coupled with a heightened arrogance that clouds the gift of self-reflection. 

What's the answer? Simple: Good men (and women) must DO something!

Conflict requires courage. Without courage, evil thrives.

Be good. Have courage. Do something.