Bill Wilson did LSD!

Did he? I don't know... I wasn't there. Who can say for sure? For the sake of argument, let's say he did... To quote my mother, "If Bill Wilson jumped off a cliff, would you?"

Hold onto your hats, I'm about to offer a controversial viewpoint -- people are bound to freakout, rip their clothing, and throw things -- but please, try to refrain from total anarchy. 

Are you ready? Here goes...  BILL. WILSON. WAS. NOT. GOD. 

There. I said it.

Maybe he did take LSD. So what? 

He was human, fallible, prone to mistakes. Just because Bill Wilson did something, doesn't mean it was the right thing to do. 

Human nature bends toward idol worship. We LOVE to create heroes out of mere mortals and place them on pedestals in order to deify their every thought, word, and deed. Such has become the fate of old Mr. Wilson! 

Make no mistake, Bill did NOT develop the concepts of AA so that YOU could stay sober... he developed them so HE could stay sober. He was a visionary and an early pioneer of sobriety -- he was not a prophet or cherubim sent from the Almighty to serve as a holy source of omniscient recovery. 

Bill would be the first to confess that he didn't have all the answers and that his journey down the path of sobriety was as flawed and bumbling as the drunk next to him! He never held himself up as an example of perfection, so why do we?

Yes, perhaps Bill did take LSD. Let's say (for fun) that he also tried heroin... or meth... or PCP... (who knows, he may have) is it then permissible to partake in those drugs and maintain that we are still sober?

I think we can all answer this question with a resounding "NO!"

If Bill Wilson did do these things, it doesn't mean he was sober... it means he was human. And that's okay. 

To rephrase my mother's query, "If Bill Wilson jumped off the wagon, into relapse, would you?"

Permission to Relapse

I once had a sponsee who constantly asked me for permission to relapse. 

Of course, he never came right out and asked, he just kept trying to find "loop holes" that I'd agree to. 

His first ploy, in his first month, was to get me to approve of him drinking non-alcoholic beer. Now, to be clear, I usually don't have a problem with a sober member drinking NA beer - You can't get drunk off it and it's your program, so do what you want. But with this particular sponsee, I knew it was deeper than that -- he was looking for an easier, softer way.

"Why bother with NA beer?" I asked. "Just pull the trigger and drink the real stuff. That's what you want."

He stepped back, aghast. "You WANT me to relapse?"

"No," I responded. "But clearly that's what you want. You're trigger-hunting." I told him the choice was his, but if he decided to drink NA beer, he'd have to find a new sponsor. 

About a month later, someone in the program planted the idea of "marijuana maintenance" into his head. Once again, he came looking for permission to relapse. This time, he used a different tactic... he opted for taking my inventory as it pertained to cigarette smoking, reasoning that "nicotine is a mind-altering drug," so if I can smoke cigarettes, he should be permitted to smoke weed.

Once again, I encouraged him to go back out. He'd know where to find me when he was ready to work an honest program.

Of course, the ONLY time he worked as directed was when I told him to "go back out." Off he'd go to seek out an easier, softer way. Then, a few months later, he'd come sulking back into the rooms, asking me to sponsor him again. I'd take him on, he'd look for excuses to relapse, I'd send him back out, he'd wrap his car around a phone pole (or something equally brilliant), then show up back in the rooms with his head hung. Around and around and around we went like this... for years.

Eventually, I lost contact with him. I'm fairly certain he's still out there, somewhere, riding the "retread spin cycle" to this day.

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In my drinking days, my favorite "treat" was a high-end bottle of sake. LOVED IT. Coincidentally, I happened to have a Japanese roommate who was visiting his family in Osaka the week I decided to quit drinking. Oblivious to my newfound sobriety, he returned home bearing the gift of an ornate bottle of authentic, Japanese sake. 

Not gonna lie... I entertained the idea of popping that cork and picking a new date. 

I didn't. 

Instead, I took that bottle and put it up in a cupboard, over my sink. I said to myself, "If I ever decide to relapse, that's gonna be the bottle I do it with" and promptly forgot about it.

Over the years, I would occasionally share in meetings about that bottle over my sink and what it represented to my sobriety. Without fail, while exiting the hall, someone would approach and declare, "You have to throw that bottle out! It'll cause you to relapse if you don't!"

A bottle of booze will cause me to relapse? Nothing could be further from the truth. The ONLY thing that will cause me to relapse is MY BRAIN. In fact, there's a liquor store on the corner, half-a-block from my house, that's FULL of booze. Whether I reach into the cupboard over my sink or walk down to the corner store, relapse is there for the taking if I want it.

I was in no danger of "accidental relapse." It has never happened. Not once, in the history of Recovery, has anyone ever accidentally tripped over a bottle and had its contents emptied into their mouth.

Every relapse is planned. EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. 

You don't need permission... if you're not done, you're not done. Go ahead and tip the bottle one more time. If you're looking for a reason to relapse, you WILL relapse. It's just a matter of time. Stop torturing yourself and just do it.

So go ahead... pick up that bottle, light that joint, drop that hit, snort that line, fire up that pipe, and get it out of your system.

When you're done fighting, the rooms will be here waiting for you.

Unconditional Love

I have come to realize that "unconditional love" is a far rarer concept than most believe it to be. The majority of love/friendships we currently hold in our lives are, in fact, "conditional."

But what does that mean?

We have all experienced a break-up with a boyfriend, girlfriend, spouse, significant other, etc., in which our "shared friends" were halved after the dissolution of the relationship. Suddenly, people whom we loved, respected (and believed respected us), with whom we laughed and cried are suddenly gone, out of our lives. They have chosen to retain their friendship with our former partner and, in turn, ended all contact with us.

Those so-called friends only loved us under the condition that we remained in a relationship with our partner. It was "conditional love."

We have many of these conditional relationships in our lives: Work friends who (seem to) care about us so long as we're employed under the same roof as them, social climbing friends who flit through our lives on their way up the social ladder, current and former schoolmates, those who orbit in the same hobby/church/social groups as us, and so on. 

Personally, I have found the most intriguing group of conditional friends to be my "old party friends." Early on, I was faced with the quandary of whether to continue relations with my drinking buddies, once sober. Should I remain friends with them or exercise self-preservation and walk away?

A particularly difficult relationship to justify was my mentor - a dear friend who was a hope-to-die alcoholic. Early in my sobriety, he invited me out to dinner, which was (of course) at a local bar. 

That night, he ordered a particularly "colorful" cocktail that I had not seen before. "What's that?" I asked.

"This is a (insert exotic cocktail name here)" he said, as he slid the drink in my direction.

Out of reflex, I snatched the drink and lifted it to my mouth. The cocktail was inches from my lips when my brain screamed, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING???" I set the drink down and slid it back - close call.

He knew I was sober, yet he put me in a tenuous situation.  But it wasn't his fault... I put MYSELF in that situation. This was the type of place where we had established our friendship, it was a common stomping ground. If I was to continue our friendship, it would be mired in this sort of temptation. As much as I adored my friend, I had to step back and put distance between us. 

Another one of my drinking buddies, a guy who was like a brother to me, actively despised the idea of losing me to sobriety. He regularly and blatantly tempted me into relapse. Likewise, I was forced to make a choice between our friendship and my sobriety. I chose the latter.

In these situations, with these friends, I was absolutely guilty of withholding "unconditional love" for my brothers. It was a quandary... if I offered my love to them, I wouldn't be able to give it to myself.

Eventually, I grew strong enough in my recovery to return to those friendships and once again offer that love. I don't regret my decision to step away... I had to do what was right for me and my sobriety.

In our first year of recovery, unconditional love is not an option -- whether it be old drinking buddies, romantic relationships, or toxic family members -- WE HAVE TO BE SELFISH.  

Nobody in this world will look out for your wellbeing better than you. Setting boundaries with others does not make us bad people, it makes us survivors.

Marijuana Maintenance

Marijuana was not my problem. 

I didn't like it. It wasn't a trigger for me. It wasn't my problem. So, technically, I should be able to continue to use it and consider myself "sober."*  Right?

Here's the thing...

This program is about rigorous honesty.

True, pot wasn't my problem, but you know what else wasn't my problem? Alcohol. Yes, I'm an alcoholic, but that wasn't my problem... It was a SYMPTOM of my problem.

My problem is not with drugs and alcohol, my problem is with me and why I need those things in the first place. The use of any mind impairing substance will keep me from confronting the problems that plague the deepest corners of my psyche and serve only as a roadblock to wellness.

In my program, the idea of "sobriety" coupled with "marijuana use" is a complete impossibility. 

I quit drinking because I had lost control over my addiction. I didn't like who I had become. It was a "quality of life" issue. My life was in the toilet because of my drinking -- I would NEVER get my life back unless I completely gave myself over to sobriety.

For me, mind impairing substances are an escape. They are the tool that allows me to disconnect from reality and run from my problems, rather than confront them and work on becoming the best person I can be. 

And yes, nicotine and coffee can be considered "mind altering" (though personally, I've never heard of anyone pawning their grandmother's jewelry for a latte) and, if you really want to go deep, you can drop sugar into that category as well. To be clear, I make a distinction between "mind altering" and "mind impairing" (e.g. drugs that cause us to disassociate from reality: alcohol, pot, and harder drugs), as well as "medically prescribed" substances, but that's another discussion for another day.

To quote the Big Book, "we thought we could find an easier, softer way, but we could not." Sobriety is hard work. It doesn't come easy. As a newcomer, if someone had offered me the option of "maintaining" my sobriety via marijuana, I would have jumped at such an easier, softer alternative. I would also have surely relapsed back into my disease. 

As such, I'd be lying if said this ideology didn't give me concern for the newcomer who may be exposed to it.

Everyone has to do what's best for them. If you've convinced yourself that you can work an honest and rigorous program while high, I say, "go with God." Nobody's keeping tabs, nobody's keeping score. It's your program and you have to do what's best for you. I sincerely hope you make it.

For my part, I will not sponsor someone who smokes pot while working the steps. I personally believe a clear head is needed for this process. To do otherwise would be a waste of my time.

I cannot work a rigorously honest program if I'm high, if my mind is impaired at any level. My whole addiction is predicated on using artificial stimulants as an escape from my emotions, a way to cut off the world and avoid facing the problems that keep me from functioning as a responsible member of society. If I'm using weed, I'm continuing to run from my problems rather than face them.

For me, solid growth in sobriety requires good judgement. The use of any substance that impairs my judgment will interfere with positive, forward progression. If I don't address my sobriety with a clear head, I will only digress. If I'm not growing in sobriety, what's the point of being sober? 

Make no mistake, if the day ever comes when picking up the bottle or lighting a joint will improve my quality of life, I won't hesitate to partake. I also won't call myself "sober." 

If that's the path you choose, I won't judge you... neither will I refer to you as "sober."

"Greatest lesson I've learned this year is you can't have one foot in your old life and one foot in your new life and expect change. You have to fully commit to your new life." - motivational quotes

This is one person's opinion. It may differ from yours, and that's okay. As they say in the rooms, "Take what you need and leave the rest."

*Footnote: Personally, I don't differentiate between "sober" and "clean." Semantics. For me, they're one and the same.

Full Circle

Alcohol and drugs are not my problem... they are a symptom of a bigger problem: The unaddressed pain from my past.

 

My life didn’t fall apart because of my drinking... my drinking was just an escape hatch that I used to run  away from the emotions and trauma of my past. It was the only thing I could find that would dull the pain and momentarily quiet the voices in my head.

 

My problem was not drinking and using... my problem was me.

 

I had to stop trying to escape my problems and face them. If I didn’t face them, I’d never fix them and I’d keep running back to my addictions in order to stop thinking and feeling.

 

So how do we do it? How do we break the cycle and fix ourselves?

 

That’s where the Steps come in.

 

In steps 1-3, we make peace with God. In steps 4-7, we make peace with ourselves. 8-9, we make peace with others. And 10-12 is about keeping the peace.

 

The steps are numbered for a reason. They should be taken in order. A relationship with God is paramount to forgiving ourselves, and we can NEVER find forgiveness with others if we haven’t  found it in ourselves first. 

 

The Steps are designed to bring peace into our lives. Once we find peace with God, ourselves, and others, a funny thing happens... we begin to love ourselves and who we’ve become.

 

Now, do you remember the reason we drank and used in the first place? To escape our problems. 

And what was our problem? Us.

 

But since we love ourselves now, there’s no need to escape... ergo, no need to drink or use.

 

Full circle.

Great Expectations

I train in the art of Brazilian Jiu Jitsu several days a week. 

When any group of people meets on a regular basis, "cliques" have a habit of forming among the participants. This group is no different. 

It has subdivided into two groups of regulars: 1. A bunch of old guys who love to get together and prattle on about politics. 2. The younger crowd of die-hard fighters who live for the sport of BJJ.

To be clear, these groups are not at odds and everyone gets along wonderfully. That said, there is a clear divide in social gatherings outside of class. As for me, I'm friends with both groups equally and tend to drift back-and-forth as the humor strikes me.

I had always enjoyed my neutrality, but then something strange happened that caused me to question how my fellow jiteros viewed me - both groups simultaneously engaged in a series of outside "group activities" and invited those whom they wished to attend... 

I didn't receive a single invite. Not a whisper, not a head nod... nothing.

Totally snubbed.

I was outraged. I thought, "I invited them all to my house for a barbecue last July 4th... yet, not ONE of them thought to send me a note of invite? NOT ONE???"

Not gonna lie... it hurt a little. 

So, I harbored a small resentment for minute, then licked my wounds and stepped back to examine the situation...

I knew the snub didn't come from a place of "dislike" for me. I got along well with everyone in both groups. Rather, it came from my own lack of involvement and passion for the things that obviously interested them (politics and BJJ fanaticism). I was "neutral," which to them meant "uninterested."

So I asked myself, "What is it you want from them? Do you REALLY want to be a part of their groups?  If so, it's up to you to make that happen. You need to dive into politics with the old guys and join their echo-chamber! You need to turn-up your training sessions with the young crowd, start showing up 5-6 days a week, and go to out-of-town tournaments with them. They like you and WILL accept you, but you have to MAKE AN EFFORT to do what they do if you want to fit in."

In essence, I had to examine my part in these relationships. My natural reaction was to go on the defense, to be hurt by their actions because they weren't behaving in a way that I found acceptable, when what I needed to do was look at my actions and decide WHAT I COULD DO DIFFERENTLY in order to change the outcome.

I thought about these options for a moment and decided, "NOPE! I'm good where I am!" The idea "being accepted" really only appealed to my ego. Once I put all that aside, I was okay with my station in these groups and, in turn, my butt hurt a whole lot less!

So often, in my life, I develop unrealistic expectations of others. When they don't behave in a way I deem acceptable, I get angry without taking a moment to examine my part in the transaction.

In the end, I've come to the realization that I'm not everybody's cup of tea!

And that's okay.

Alas, I Knew Him Well

I recently lost a dear friend to addiction. 

He didn't die. In fact, he's alive and healthy (as much as one in addiction can be), but he's lost all the same.

This person was my first sponsor. He walked me through the early days of my recovery. He was my confidant, my sounding board, my mentor. When the world had given up on me, he did not.

When I was 6 months sober, he asked, "What's the one thing you can't see yourself doing sober?"

"Vegas" I snapped back. "I can't imagine doing the casinos."

"Okay," he said, "I've got some extra frequent flyer miles... we're going to Vegas." And that's exactly what we did. He booked the flights, the hotel, and spent the weekend with this newcomer who he barely knew, showing me that sobriety was possible in any circumstance.

I was floored by the experience - it meant the world to me and launched a close friendship that lasted more than two decades. We worked together, we dined together, we travelled together. When I went through my divorce, he was there for support. When his father passed, my wife and I were there for support.

We were good friends.

In year 19 of his sobriety, he relapsed. I won't go into the details, that's his story to tell. Sufficed to say, he was firmly "off the wagon." It didn't shake me. Sober or not, I would always owe him. He was my friend. He was my brother.

Over the last 14 years, we've kept that friendship going, him active in his disease and me sober. We've had many good times together - we've laughed, we've bickered, we've cheered, we've mourned. We've been there for each other for 20+ years, all in.

Recently, for no explicable reason, he cut all ties and ended our friendship. 

*POOF* Gone. Just like that. No rhyme or reason, no phone call, no explanation... just gone. It was wholly without merit or expectation. 

I was grieved.

What happened? What changed? WHAT DID I DO???

No idea. I can only suppose that his disease has taken hold of him, his conscious too heavy to face any reminders of a sober life once lived.

That's what addiction does, what it HAS to do, in order to survive. It must cut off all possibility of sobriety in order to thrive. I was a walking reminder of his losing fight against addiction, so I had to go. 

I am not the first, nor will I be the last loved one he loses in this battle. Sadly, the last person he will lose will be himself. On that day, the war will be over.

I'll miss my brother. I'll miss that friendship, but I can't chase it. His actions have made clear that he no longer values our connection. I must accept that and move on. 

Of course, I'd love to know what happened, why my dear friend decided to end our relationship. Alas, the deepest part of me knows there is no valid reason. I must let it go and learn to go where I'm appreciated, not where I'm tolerated.

I've lost another friend to addiction.

It grieves me... but life goes on.