Great Expectations

I train in the art of Brazilian Jiu Jitsu several days a week. 

When any group of people meets on a regular basis, "cliques" have a habit of forming among the participants. This group is no different. 

It has subdivided into two groups of regulars: 1. A bunch of old guys who love to get together and prattle on about politics. 2. The younger crowd of die-hard fighters who live for the sport of BJJ.

To be clear, these groups are not at odds and everyone gets along wonderfully. That said, there is a clear divide in social gatherings outside of class. As for me, I'm friends with both groups equally and tend to drift back-and-forth as the humor strikes me.

I had always enjoyed my neutrality, but then something strange happened that caused me to question how my fellow jiteros viewed me - both groups simultaneously engaged in a series of outside "group activities" and invited those whom they wished to attend... 

I didn't receive a single invite. Not a whisper, not a head nod... nothing.

Totally snubbed.

I was outraged. I thought, "I invited them all to my house for a barbecue last July 4th... yet, not ONE of them thought to send me a note of invite? NOT ONE???"

Not gonna lie... it hurt a little. 

So, I harbored a small resentment for minute, then licked my wounds and stepped back to examine the situation...

I knew the snub didn't come from a place of "dislike" for me. I got along well with everyone in both groups. Rather, it came from my own lack of involvement and passion for the things that obviously interested them (politics and BJJ fanaticism). I was "neutral," which to them meant "uninterested."

So I asked myself, "What is it you want from them? Do you REALLY want to be a part of their groups?  If so, it's up to you to make that happen. You need to dive into politics with the old guys and join their echo-chamber! You need to turn-up your training sessions with the young crowd, start showing up 5-6 days a week, and go to out-of-town tournaments with them. They like you and WILL accept you, but you have to MAKE AN EFFORT to do what they do if you want to fit in."

In essence, I had to examine my part in these relationships. My natural reaction was to go on the defense, to be hurt by their actions because they weren't behaving in a way that I found acceptable, when what I needed to do was look at my actions and decide WHAT I COULD DO DIFFERENTLY in order to change the outcome.

I thought about these options for a moment and decided, "NOPE! I'm good where I am!" The idea "being accepted" really only appealed to my ego. Once I put all that aside, I was okay with my station in these groups and, in turn, my butt hurt a whole lot less!

So often, in my life, I develop unrealistic expectations of others. When they don't behave in a way I deem acceptable, I get angry without taking a moment to examine my part in the transaction.

In the end, I've come to the realization that I'm not everybody's cup of tea!

And that's okay.