Love the One You're Near

Someone once said (who knows who), "It is impossible to love another person if you don't first love yourself."

I personally proved this to be true while in my disease. In 14 years of active addiction, I didn't have a single serious relationship.  I didn't feel I was worthy of love. To my mind, I was broken. I knew it, and if anyone spent any significant amount of time with me, they would know it. 

I was unlovable. Nobody would want me.

Early in my sobriety, I worked a job teaching musical theater to children ages 4-17. I loved it. The most rewarding part was to watch a child discover him/herself and bloom into self-awareness before my eyes. The power of self discovery, self confidence, self respect, and self love. To watch a human grow into their skin and admire themself... nothing more beautiful.

But something was missing. I couldn't do it anymore. As much as I enjoyed helping young artists grow, something was missing in the equation. 

Then it dawned on me... everything I was teaching those children (self confidence, self respect, etc.) was focussed on one thing: "self." 

Yes, this was wonderful, but it was missing one important ingredient: "Others." The Arts were teaching them how to love, help, and respect themselves, but not how to pay it forward to others. Sure, some will argue that the Arts are all about "giving to others," but on the surface it's simply an escape, an admiration of someone else's creation and interpretation.

What I'm referring to is a deeper, more selfless and driving love that inspires people to pull their fellow man out of the mud, give them hope, and send them into the world to do the same for others. In some circles, this is referred to as "discipleship."

To be clear, I'm in no way burying the Arts. Any form of art, be it performance, visual, or otherwise, adds great value to our society and should be lauded. For me, personally, it just wasn't enough to scratch the itch in that unreachable area between the shoulder blades of my soul.

It was around this time that I worked the 4th and 5th steps. I discovered what made me tick, which allowed me to forgive myself. An amazing thing happened... I began to LOVE myself.

As I worked through the steps, my self-love grew. By the time I got to Step 12, I was far enough along in my journey and loved myself enough that I was able to pay it forward and help someone else.

I was finally able to love others, as I had learned to love myself.

And that was exactly the itch I was looking to scratch.