Alas, I Knew Him Well

I recently lost a dear friend to addiction. 

He didn't die. In fact, he's alive and healthy (as much as one in addiction can be), but he's lost all the same.

This person was my first sponsor. He walked me through the early days of my recovery. He was my confidant, my sounding board, my mentor. When the world had given up on me, he did not.

When I was 6 months sober, he asked, "What's the one thing you can't see yourself doing sober?"

"Vegas" I snapped back. "I can't imagine doing the casinos."

"Okay," he said, "I've got some extra frequent flyer miles... we're going to Vegas." And that's exactly what we did. He booked the flights, the hotel, and spent the weekend with this newcomer who he barely knew, showing me that sobriety was possible in any circumstance.

I was floored by the experience - it meant the world to me and launched a close friendship that lasted more than two decades. We worked together, we dined together, we travelled together. When I went through my divorce, he was there for support. When his father passed, my wife and I were there for support.

We were good friends.

In year 19 of his sobriety, he relapsed. I won't go into the details, that's his story to tell. Sufficed to say, he was firmly "off the wagon." It didn't shake me. Sober or not, I would always owe him. He was my friend. He was my brother.

Over the last 14 years, we've kept that friendship going, him active in his disease and me sober. We've had many good times together - we've laughed, we've bickered, we've cheered, we've mourned. We've been there for each other for 20+ years, all in.

Recently, for no explicable reason, he cut all ties and ended our friendship. 

*POOF* Gone. Just like that. No rhyme or reason, no phone call, no explanation... just gone. It was wholly without merit or expectation. 

I was grieved.

What happened? What changed? WHAT DID I DO???

No idea. I can only suppose that his disease has taken hold of him, his conscious too heavy to face any reminders of a sober life once lived.

That's what addiction does, what it HAS to do, in order to survive. It must cut off all possibility of sobriety in order to thrive. I was a walking reminder of his losing fight against addiction, so I had to go. 

I am not the first, nor will I be the last loved one he loses in this battle. Sadly, the last person he will lose will be himself. On that day, the war will be over.

I'll miss my brother. I'll miss that friendship, but I can't chase it. His actions have made clear that he no longer values our connection. I must accept that and move on. 

Of course, I'd love to know what happened, why my dear friend decided to end our relationship. Alas, the deepest part of me knows there is no valid reason. I must let it go and learn to go where I'm appreciated, not where I'm tolerated.

I've lost another friend to addiction.

It grieves me... but life goes on.