Marijuana Maintenance

Marijuana was not my problem. 

I didn't like it. It wasn't a trigger for me. It wasn't my problem. So, technically, I should be able to continue to use it and consider myself "sober."*  Right?

Here's the thing...

This program is about rigorous honesty.

True, pot wasn't my problem, but you know what else wasn't my problem? Alcohol. Yes, I'm an alcoholic, but that wasn't my problem... It was a SYMPTOM of my problem.

My problem is not with drugs and alcohol, my problem is with me and why I need those things in the first place. The use of any mind impairing substance will keep me from confronting the problems that plague the deepest corners of my psyche and serve only as a roadblock to wellness.

In my program, the idea of "sobriety" coupled with "marijuana use" is a complete impossibility. 

I quit drinking because I had lost control over my addiction. I didn't like who I had become. It was a "quality of life" issue. My life was in the toilet because of my drinking -- I would NEVER get my life back unless I completely gave myself over to sobriety.

For me, mind impairing substances are an escape. They are the tool that allows me to disconnect from reality and run from my problems, rather than confront them and work on becoming the best person I can be. 

And yes, nicotine and coffee can be considered "mind altering" (though personally, I've never heard of anyone pawning their grandmother's jewelry for a latte) and, if you really want to go deep, you can drop sugar into that category as well. To be clear, I make a distinction between "mind altering" and "mind impairing" (e.g. drugs that cause us to disassociate from reality: alcohol, pot, and harder drugs), as well as "medically prescribed" substances, but that's another discussion for another day.

To quote the Big Book, "we thought we could find an easier, softer way, but we could not." Sobriety is hard work. It doesn't come easy. As a newcomer, if someone had offered me the option of "maintaining" my sobriety via marijuana, I would have jumped at such an easier, softer alternative. I would also have surely relapsed back into my disease. 

As such, I'd be lying if said this ideology didn't give me concern for the newcomer who may be exposed to it.

Everyone has to do what's best for them. If you've convinced yourself that you can work an honest and rigorous program while high, I say, "go with God." Nobody's keeping tabs, nobody's keeping score. It's your program and you have to do what's best for you. I sincerely hope you make it.

For my part, I will not sponsor someone who smokes pot while working the steps. I personally believe a clear head is needed for this process. To do otherwise would be a waste of my time.

I cannot work a rigorously honest program if I'm high, if my mind is impaired at any level. My whole addiction is predicated on using artificial stimulants as an escape from my emotions, a way to cut off the world and avoid facing the problems that keep me from functioning as a responsible member of society. If I'm using weed, I'm continuing to run from my problems rather than face them.

For me, solid growth in sobriety requires good judgement. The use of any substance that impairs my judgment will interfere with positive, forward progression. If I don't address my sobriety with a clear head, I will only digress. If I'm not growing in sobriety, what's the point of being sober? 

Make no mistake, if the day ever comes when picking up the bottle or lighting a joint will improve my quality of life, I won't hesitate to partake. I also won't call myself "sober." 

If that's the path you choose, I won't judge you... neither will I refer to you as "sober."

"Greatest lesson I've learned this year is you can't have one foot in your old life and one foot in your new life and expect change. You have to fully commit to your new life." - motivational quotes

This is one person's opinion. It may differ from yours, and that's okay. As they say in the rooms, "Take what you need and leave the rest."

*Footnote: Personally, I don't differentiate between "sober" and "clean." Semantics. For me, they're one and the same.

Full Circle

Alcohol and drugs are not my problem... they are a symptom of a bigger problem: The unaddressed pain from my past.

 

My life didn’t fall apart because of my drinking... my drinking was just an escape hatch that I used to run  away from the emotions and trauma of my past. It was the only thing I could find that would dull the pain and momentarily quiet the voices in my head.

 

My problem was not drinking and using... my problem was me.

 

I had to stop trying to escape my problems and face them. If I didn’t face them, I’d never fix them and I’d keep running back to my addictions in order to stop thinking and feeling.

 

So how do we do it? How do we break the cycle and fix ourselves?

 

That’s where the Steps come in.

 

In steps 1-3, we make peace with God. In steps 4-7, we make peace with ourselves. 8-9, we make peace with others. And 10-12 is about keeping the peace.

 

The steps are numbered for a reason. They should be taken in order. A relationship with God is paramount to forgiving ourselves, and we can NEVER find forgiveness with others if we haven’t  found it in ourselves first. 

 

The Steps are designed to bring peace into our lives. Once we find peace with God, ourselves, and others, a funny thing happens... we begin to love ourselves and who we’ve become.

 

Now, do you remember the reason we drank and used in the first place? To escape our problems. 

And what was our problem? Us.

 

But since we love ourselves now, there’s no need to escape... ergo, no need to drink or use.

 

Full circle.

Great Expectations

I train in the art of Brazilian Jiu Jitsu several days a week. 

When any group of people meets on a regular basis, "cliques" have a habit of forming among the participants. This group is no different. 

It has subdivided into two groups of regulars: 1. A bunch of old guys who love to get together and prattle on about politics. 2. The younger crowd of die-hard fighters who live for the sport of BJJ.

To be clear, these groups are not at odds and everyone gets along wonderfully. That said, there is a clear divide in social gatherings outside of class. As for me, I'm friends with both groups equally and tend to drift back-and-forth as the humor strikes me.

I had always enjoyed my neutrality, but then something strange happened that caused me to question how my fellow jiteros viewed me - both groups simultaneously engaged in a series of outside "group activities" and invited those whom they wished to attend... 

I didn't receive a single invite. Not a whisper, not a head nod... nothing.

Totally snubbed.

I was outraged. I thought, "I invited them all to my house for a barbecue last July 4th... yet, not ONE of them thought to send me a note of invite? NOT ONE???"

Not gonna lie... it hurt a little. 

So, I harbored a small resentment for minute, then licked my wounds and stepped back to examine the situation...

I knew the snub didn't come from a place of "dislike" for me. I got along well with everyone in both groups. Rather, it came from my own lack of involvement and passion for the things that obviously interested them (politics and BJJ fanaticism). I was "neutral," which to them meant "uninterested."

So I asked myself, "What is it you want from them? Do you REALLY want to be a part of their groups?  If so, it's up to you to make that happen. You need to dive into politics with the old guys and join their echo-chamber! You need to turn-up your training sessions with the young crowd, start showing up 5-6 days a week, and go to out-of-town tournaments with them. They like you and WILL accept you, but you have to MAKE AN EFFORT to do what they do if you want to fit in."

In essence, I had to examine my part in these relationships. My natural reaction was to go on the defense, to be hurt by their actions because they weren't behaving in a way that I found acceptable, when what I needed to do was look at my actions and decide WHAT I COULD DO DIFFERENTLY in order to change the outcome.

I thought about these options for a moment and decided, "NOPE! I'm good where I am!" The idea "being accepted" really only appealed to my ego. Once I put all that aside, I was okay with my station in these groups and, in turn, my butt hurt a whole lot less!

So often, in my life, I develop unrealistic expectations of others. When they don't behave in a way I deem acceptable, I get angry without taking a moment to examine my part in the transaction.

In the end, I've come to the realization that I'm not everybody's cup of tea!

And that's okay.

Alas, I Knew Him Well

I recently lost a dear friend to addiction. 

He didn't die. In fact, he's alive and healthy (as much as one in addiction can be), but he's lost all the same.

This person was my first sponsor. He walked me through the early days of my recovery. He was my confidant, my sounding board, my mentor. When the world had given up on me, he did not.

When I was 6 months sober, he asked, "What's the one thing you can't see yourself doing sober?"

"Vegas" I snapped back. "I can't imagine doing the casinos."

"Okay," he said, "I've got some extra frequent flyer miles... we're going to Vegas." And that's exactly what we did. He booked the flights, the hotel, and spent the weekend with this newcomer who he barely knew, showing me that sobriety was possible in any circumstance.

I was floored by the experience - it meant the world to me and launched a close friendship that lasted more than two decades. We worked together, we dined together, we travelled together. When I went through my divorce, he was there for support. When his father passed, my wife and I were there for support.

We were good friends.

In year 19 of his sobriety, he relapsed. I won't go into the details, that's his story to tell. Sufficed to say, he was firmly "off the wagon." It didn't shake me. Sober or not, I would always owe him. He was my friend. He was my brother.

Over the last 14 years, we've kept that friendship going, him active in his disease and me sober. We've had many good times together - we've laughed, we've bickered, we've cheered, we've mourned. We've been there for each other for 20+ years, all in.

Recently, for no explicable reason, he cut all ties and ended our friendship. 

*POOF* Gone. Just like that. No rhyme or reason, no phone call, no explanation... just gone. It was wholly without merit or expectation. 

I was grieved.

What happened? What changed? WHAT DID I DO???

No idea. I can only suppose that his disease has taken hold of him, his conscious too heavy to face any reminders of a sober life once lived.

That's what addiction does, what it HAS to do, in order to survive. It must cut off all possibility of sobriety in order to thrive. I was a walking reminder of his losing fight against addiction, so I had to go. 

I am not the first, nor will I be the last loved one he loses in this battle. Sadly, the last person he will lose will be himself. On that day, the war will be over.

I'll miss my brother. I'll miss that friendship, but I can't chase it. His actions have made clear that he no longer values our connection. I must accept that and move on. 

Of course, I'd love to know what happened, why my dear friend decided to end our relationship. Alas, the deepest part of me knows there is no valid reason. I must let it go and learn to go where I'm appreciated, not where I'm tolerated.

I've lost another friend to addiction.

It grieves me... but life goes on.

Love the One You're Near

Someone once said (who knows who), "It is impossible to love another person if you don't first love yourself."

I personally proved this to be true while in my disease. In 14 years of active addiction, I didn't have a single serious relationship.  I didn't feel I was worthy of love. To my mind, I was broken. I knew it, and if anyone spent any significant amount of time with me, they would know it. 

I was unlovable. Nobody would want me.

Early in my sobriety, I worked a job teaching musical theater to children ages 4-17. I loved it. The most rewarding part was to watch a child discover him/herself and bloom into self-awareness before my eyes. The power of self discovery, self confidence, self respect, and self love. To watch a human grow into their skin and admire themself... nothing more beautiful.

But something was missing. I couldn't do it anymore. As much as I enjoyed helping young artists grow, something was missing in the equation. 

Then it dawned on me... everything I was teaching those children (self confidence, self respect, etc.) was focussed on one thing: "self." 

Yes, this was wonderful, but it was missing one important ingredient: "Others." The Arts were teaching them how to love, help, and respect themselves, but not how to pay it forward to others. Sure, some will argue that the Arts are all about "giving to others," but on the surface it's simply an escape, an admiration of someone else's creation and interpretation.

What I'm referring to is a deeper, more selfless and driving love that inspires people to pull their fellow man out of the mud, give them hope, and send them into the world to do the same for others. In some circles, this is referred to as "discipleship."

To be clear, I'm in no way burying the Arts. Any form of art, be it performance, visual, or otherwise, adds great value to our society and should be lauded. For me, personally, it just wasn't enough to scratch the itch in that unreachable area between the shoulder blades of my soul.

It was around this time that I worked the 4th and 5th steps. I discovered what made me tick, which allowed me to forgive myself. An amazing thing happened... I began to LOVE myself.

As I worked through the steps, my self-love grew. By the time I got to Step 12, I was far enough along in my journey and loved myself enough that I was able to pay it forward and help someone else.

I was finally able to love others, as I had learned to love myself.

And that was exactly the itch I was looking to scratch.