Why Don't You Drink?

"You don't drink? Why not?"

How many times have we heard this question?

I've always worn my alcoholism on my sleeve, never ashamed to proclaim, "Because I'm an alcoholic!" 

99.9% of the time, the response is something along the lines of, "Really? Wow... good for you. Keep it up!" But .1% of the time I'll run into that idiot with .1% of a brain. I call them the ".1%ers"

Years ago, I was applying for a position as a reserve officer with Burbank PD. As such, I was required to interview with a department detective. One of the (many) questions was, "How much do you drink? 

Sadly, this detective was a .1%er, so the conversation went something like this...

Me: I don't drink.

Him: At all?

Me: No. Never.

Him: Why not?

Me: I'm an alcoholic. 4 years sober.

Him: I see... in that case, I think we should wrap up this interview. We can't hire you.

Me: (confused) May I ask why?

Him: You just admitted you're an alcoholic.

Me: Correct, 4 years sober.

Him: But you could relapse.

Me: And a meteor could hit LA tomorrow and vaporize us all... what does that have to do with it?

Him: We can't take a chance.

Me: What about the officers in your department who are alcoholics?

Him: We don't have any alcoholics in our department.

Me: (LAUGHED OUT LOUD)

It was at this moment I learned there are people in this world who simply do not have the intellect to grasp a concept as simple as sobriety. 

Moving forward, I continued to proudly expound on my sobriety to those who inquired after my temperance. Occasionally I would come across a .1%er and would simply answer, "I don't drink because I don't like the way it makes me feel."

It's an honest answer: I don't like the hangovers, I don't like the loss of friendships or the physical breakdown of my body, mind, and soul. No answer could ring more true regarding my abstinence: "I don't like the way it makes me feel."

Feel free to use this response yourself. Not to worry, they won't see past your answer, as that would require more than .1% of brain power.