Answered Prayer

Jesus prayed for an end to his suffering on the cross. He cried out to the Father, asking for relief. Did he expect God to answer his prayer? Was he delusional? Or was suffering an important part of the plan?

As a new-comer, I had a LOT of delusional beliefs. For instance, I was fairly certain that everyone in those early AA meetings were showing up for me, alone. I was convinced they were there for the sole purpose of seeing me through my early days of sobriety. 

Therefore, I HAD to stay sober or risk devastating the entire purpose of the group!

I wasn't so delusional to think the group would disband in the event of my relapse, but I was fairly certain there would be a group-wide day of mourning, followed by a total examination of the efficacy of the Program. 

And so (for them) I was determined to hold up my end of the bargain and stay sober. 

See? Delusional.

I also carried the pretentious belief that once I hit the magical "One Year" mark, I would no longer be a new-comer, whereby mastering the intricacies of the world. I was certain that without the interference of addiction, accompanied by my head full of recovery, the pieces of my life would fall into place. I would be happy, joyous, and free all the live-long day!

See? Delusional.

At the end of the day, my prayer was sincere. I prayed to be taken from my cross of addiction, to be relieved of my suffering. 

Was my prayer answered? 

It was... 

but not without suffering.

Early sobriety was difficult. I suffered through withdrawals, sweats, sleepless nights (pretty sure I only got about 4 hours that first week). I struggled with mental anguish, thoughts of relapse, and white-knuckling moments of temptation. My body, spirit and mind each twisted around the other in an attempt to figure out this diabolical new set of circumstances. 

I was miserable, 

I was suffering,

and it was absolutely necessary to my survival.

My suffering authored an intense appreciation for my journey to a sober life. It staved off relapse for fear of having to relive the agony of having to dry out again, lest I give in to the disease. 

I survived the journey through my suffering and it paved the way to my salvation.