Hope

I'm currently previewing a feature film entitled "Renee" for a potential partnership with SAVN.  It's a true story about a young addict/alcoholic struggling with recovery.  When asked how she's doing, Renee responds, "I feel like my soul's just been kicked in the nuts."  What a perfect description of early recovery!

I came into the rooms of recovery for one reason... I had lost hope.  For a very long time, I stood in darkness, having lost sight of any light at the end of the tunnel.  I was sad, lonely, and desperate.  Most of all, I was without hope.

Early recovery from addiction manifests into an epic battle between mind and body.  Our brain, which represents the needs of the body, tells us, "You don't need this!  This is stupid and pointless.  Why put yourself through this torture?  You're not an addict!"  We want so desperately to listen to this advice and accept it as the voice of reason.  We must remember, however, our brain represents the best interests of the body, which has but one goal:  INGEST MORE CHEMICALS TO STOP THE PAIN!  In as such, our brain acts as a mere vessel for the real puppet-master: the disease of addiction.  Make no mistake, the brain retains great power, with cunning and powerful strategies, aimed at obtaining specific desires.   Let your guard down for a single second and it will drag you into relapse with little resistance.

On the other end of the battle lay the mind.  Our mind represents the best interests of the soul and speaks the spirit of truth.  It has a much different goal than the body:  DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO OBTAIN FREEDOM FROM IMPRISONMENT IN ORDER TO LIVE HAPPY, JOYOUS AND FREE.  The soul upholds human ideals such as liberty, morality, justice, and accountability.  It is the very glue that holds our society together.  The soul champions our desires for love, charity, happiness, fellowship, freedom, peace, and eternity.  It cares less about our physical survival and more about our emotional well being.   The soul understands that spiritual stability precedes physical health.  It understands the necessity of breaking the bonds of addiction, which offer only temporary relief, in order to accomplish concrete and long-term happiness.  The soul is the reason we step into the rooms of recovery in the first place.

Whether or not we succeed in sobriety depends on whom we grant more strength - mind or body.  For me, my soul won the battle... barely.  The prison of my addiction gave way to the prison of my apartment, pacing the floor and watching the walls close in.  Each sweat-drenched pillow and sleepless night reloaded the addictive revolver with a fresh cylinder of alcoholic ammo.  Time inched forward in slow motion.  A week lasted a month, a month lasted a year.

I flirted with relapse time and time again, fighting back my brain's assurances that true sobriety rested atop an unclimbable mountain, out of reach of the common man.  My soul fired back, reminding me that millions had survived the genesis of sobriety before me, millions would do so after.  I dug my nails into my palms and held on for dear life.

After what seemed like an endless struggle, an almost imperceptible miracle occurred.  There, at the end of the darkened tunnel, a glimmer appeared.  For the first time in years, a light broke through.  It shone so dimly at first, but grew in intensity as I piled up the sobriety days in my arsenal.

At last, I understood a thing called "hope" still existed, one day at a time.