Steps 8 and 9

Step #8 - "Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all."

Step #9 - "Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others."

Much like 4 & 5, these twin steps have sent more drunks careening into the arms of relapse than most of the other steps combined.

Understandable.  Who wants to unpack their closet and expose past misdeeds to the light of day?  What soul relishes basking in the stench of the evil wrongdoings of yesteryear?  Who would delight in raising the rotted corpses of sins purposefully forgotten? No one, that's who.

But we must.

You cannot make "amends" without the four middle letters - "mend."   Amends refer simply to "mending" our past, asking forgiveness for life's opportunities misused and offering exemption to those who have wronged us.  The purpose for this exercise does not lay in the need to free the other person of their malice, rather, to free us from our own guilt and hatred which succeed at eating us from the inside out.  We must prepare ourselves for total humility and expose our soft underbellies to those we have harmed.  We must fully relent our pride and take responsibility for our own actions while disregarding the need for the other person to admit to their wrongdoings.

To be sure, these two steps come with many tricks and difficulties.  "What if they don't forgive me?  What if they don't admit to their part?  What if they get angry?  What if they don't even remember me?  What if I look foolish?" The answer to these questions is simple... IT DOESN'T MATTER.  It's about swallowing your pride and taking responsibility in order to forgive yourself.  One woman I had wronged refused to forgive me for years and I didn't blame her (I had really abused her trust).  I didn't lose a wink of sleep over it.   In fact, I felt pretty good.  I had done what I needed to do.  Her hatred for me was on her.  Eventually, she came around and forgave me.  To be clear, we were never friends again, but she forgave me, which felt even better!  

"What if I didn't know the person?"  Remember, the step states, "Make direct amends wherever possible..."  If the person you harmed was a stranger, then it may be impossible to make direct amends.  This doesn't mean you get a free pass.  Take an ad out in the local newspaper that says, "To the person who's parked car I scratched, I'm very sorry for doing that.  Please forgive me."  If you stole a stranger's pocketbook, buy a bunch of purses from a thrift store and donate them to the local battered women's shelter.  Get creative.

"What if the person's dead?"  Obviously, in this case making direct amends would be out of the question, unless you're a regular on "Walking Dead" (but even that would violate the "except when to do so would injure them or others" clause). If the person you have harmed has passed away, apologize to their next of kin.  If that's not possible (maybe you're the next of kin), write them a letter and place it on their grave.  Better yet, toss the letter into the fireplace and let your apology rise to heaven on billows of white smoke.  Where there's a will, there's a way.

"What if I did nothing wrong?"  Trust me when I say, in MOST cases you did SOMETHING wrong for which you can be held accountable.  However, the rare exception does occur:  I once had a sponsee named John who carried an immense hatred for an uncle who molested him as a child.  The idea of making amends to that man spiritually crippled John.  "I'll NEVER ask that man for forgiveness!"  He declared.  "I did nothing wrong!"

I tried to explain to John that "asking forgiveness" from his uncle was not necessary.  Offering forgiveness was.  It was all part of the mending (healing) process.  Understandably, John was unable to let go of his pain - the same pain that caused him to self medicate in order to forget.  The same pain he chose to stuff into the closet behind a locked door.  The same pain that doomed him to relapse.  Which he did.

Making direct amends is scary.  To be sure, you can absolutely fake your way through this process.  It's easy to fudge an amends and convince yourself you did everything you could do to make that relationship right.  Instead of directly paying back the money you stole from your old boss, you can convince yourself that donating that money to a children's home will serve as a sufficient substitution.  Question is, when you run into your old boss on the street, will you still be able to look him in the eye?  Or will you cross to the other side of the road, hoping to avoid contact altogether?  If you can't face that man with your head high, you've not sufficiently faced this step.

If making amends frightens you, you're not alone.  It scares the heck out of most people.  Just remember, it's not about being right or wrong.  It's about doing what's right, not wrong.  It's not about helping the person to whom you make amends.  It doesn't matter if they forgive you or ask for your forgiveness.  It's not about them.  It's about you.  It's about keeping your side of the street clean.  It's about forgiving yourself and letting your wounds heal so that you can begin to grow into a healthy, spiritual being.  It's about learning to love yourself.

One question:  Do you want to be free?  If so, work this step thoroughly and honestly.  No one promises it will be easy, only necessary. And remember, forgiveness is not a line you cross, it's a road you travel down.