F.E.A.R.

F.E.A.R. - Forget Everything And Run!

Anger held one of the top spots on my "Character Defects Chart" during my addiction (and well into my sobriety).   Granted, my rage wouldn't explode without reason.  There always existed a complicated process, a slow-burn if you will, required to build my emotions up to the point of detonation.  Once I reached my boiling point, I literally saw red and all bets were off.  Total loss of control.

The process typically developed as follows:  It began with a test of patience (which I promptly failed).  My impatience gave way to pride, which in turn, fed into rage.  Rage sponsored negative action, which often translated into destructive results (up to and including incarceration).

For example, during one particular trip to the grocery store, I grabbed a few small items and noticed a cashier opening a new register.  Just as I reached the checkout line, a little old lady, with a month's worth of groceries, rushed in and cut me off.  She had to get in first.  I stepped back and bit my tongue  (patience tested).  After her voluminous collection of food had been scanned through, this woman had the nerve to reach into her handbag and produce a stack of coupons the size of War and Peace. My pride whispered in my ear, "Can you believe this woman?  How inconsiderate! Who does she think she is?  Does she think her time is more valuable than yours?  Are you just going to stand there and let her disrespect you like that?"

As I contemplated my next move, that dear little old lady made the untimely mistake of fishing for a pen in the depths of her enormous purse, while producing a checkbook with the opposite hand.  Pride gave way to anger...

"WE HAVE A LIMITED LIFESPAN, LADY!" I exploded, throwing my hands into the air.  "I stood by when you cut in front of me!  I said nothing when you pulled out that ridiculous stack of coupons!  Are you seriously going to waste more of my valuable time with your antiquated checkbook?  Let me guess, you're searching your purse for ink and quill, am I right?  ARE YOU KIDDING ME??"  As an exclamation point, I hurled my handful of items across the isle (destructive results) and stormed out, leaving both the little old lady and cashier in a wake of slack-jawed silence.

The result:  I had to shop at a different store that day... and many days to come.

My Grand-sponsor once told me, "The root of all anger is fear."  My initial instinct was to disagree with his statement.  I could understand anger stemming from fear when someone cut me off on the highway - that person put my life in danger, in turn, I got angry.  Makes sense.  But I wasn't afraid of the old lady with the stack of coupons, was I?  ... or was I?

Further examination unveiled an interesting discovery: Fear comes in all shapes and sizes.  "Physical" threats (i.e. dodging insane motorists on the freeway) represent one form of fear.  But a much more subtle and insidious fear derives from "emotional" intimidation.  On a very base and instinctive level, that little old lady put the fear of God in me.  On a subconscious level, I convinced myself that if I allowed her to walk on me, and didn't fight back, it would set a precedent that would allow others to follow suit.  In essence, I feared the possibility of global disrespect.  Sounds silly when you say it out loud, eh?

This story serves as an example of just one (of many) such outbursts perpetrated by yours truly.  In most cases, fear was not only the cause of the outburst but the result as well.  For several months after, I avoided shopping in that store for fear of someone recognizing me.  Who wants to live like that?  Not me.

In order to overcome my anger (fear), I had to nip it in the bud.  First step:  Pray for patience.  To be honest, the idea of asking God for patience incited more fear in me than the coupon queen.  I knew that  God doesn't fold His arms and blink His eyes, granting patience; He teaches patience.  This meant He would be putting a lot of very dumb people in my path.  Which He did.  Thankfully, God never gives us more than we can handle.  Otherwise, I'd be writing this from a prison cell.

After working on my patience for awhile, an amazing thing happened:  My anger dissipated.  If someone cut me off on the freeway, I didn't flip them off... I smiled and waved.  If someone pulled out coupons, I didn't huff and puff... I ignored it.  Guess what?  Nothing bad EVER happened as a result.  The world didn't suddenly view me as weak, nor was I overcome by a cavalcade of global disrespect.  Instead, my life became infinitely less stressful.

Patience - anger = no fear.  Who said math was hard?