Step #4 & #5 - the "twin" steps

Step #4 - "Made a searching and fearless inventory of ourselves."
Step #5 - "Admitted to God, ourselves, and another human being the exact nature of our wrongs."

"Fearless" and "Inventory" side by side in the same sentence... HA!  Seriously?  That's a stretch!  These steps require us to unpack the closet and scatter our dirty little forgotten secrets all over the floor. If that's not bad enough, we then have to examine those defects of character, talk with God about them, then show them to someone else! I've never met anyone who's been able to boldly step into this process without at least a little fear.

Of all the steps, Steps 4 & 5 retain the title for inciting the most relapses.  Time and time again, I have watched newcomers (people new to sobriety) bolt for the door and into the arms of addiction rather than take these steps.

We all have those deep, dark corners of our emotional closets where the dirty little skeletons of our troubled psyches dwell.  We have spent our lives stuffing the pain and shame away.  We shouldered the door closed and bolted it tight.  Nothing on God's green earth could convince us to ever again address the rotting carcasses of our past that lay tucked into those crevices.  Nothing, that is, except these Steps and the promise of a new beginning.

Time to start unpacking, my friend.

When working Steps 4 & 5, I had the overwhelming compulsion toward self-deception.  "I don't have to address my past.  I've asked for forgiveness.  God has forgotten my transgressions; no need to drag all that crud out."  In hindsight, I'm extremely grateful for not heeding such an ill-conceived idea.

I eventually summoned the courage to walk through these steps... while strapped to a lie-detector.  Literally!  I was hooked up to a real life, honest to goodness, no holds barred, fully functioning polygraph machine in the LA County Sheriff's Department.

Allow me to elaborate...

As a kid, I always fostered the dream of one day joining the ranks of law enforcement.  Early on in my recovery I decided to pursue that dream and applied to be a Reserve Officer with the LA County Sheriff's Department.  The screening process for becoming a Reserve Deputy Sheriff involved a thorough background check. One of the steps in the process required a polygraph test.

After my initial interview, the detective in charge of my case sent me home with a questionnaire to fill out.  This document involved 200+ questions that necessitated answers regarding EVERY immoral act that I ever committed.  And not just atrocities I actually committed, but behaviors I may have simply thought about committing.  These pages contained questions that ranged from "Have you ever killed anyone" to "Have you ever had sex with an animal"?  I'm proud to share with you that I was able to honestly answer "no" to both of those enquiries.

I pondered and pained over these questions for days.  "Have you ever stole anything?  Explain."  Anything?  "Have you ever gotten a traffic citation?"  Who hasn't?  "Have you ever been late on a credit card payment?  Have you every been in a physical altercation?  Have you ever lied?"  Seriously??  Who hasn't lied?  "Arson... vandalism... foul language... cheating..." and the list went on and on.  They wanted to know everything I had done and they wanted explanations.  I was required to open my closet of forgotten immoral behaviors, lay them out, and study them.

I finally finished the form and brought it in.  The detective took one look at it, laid it aside, and handed me a blank version of the exact same form.  "Now sit down at this desk and fill it out again."  WHAT?  The first one took me days to complete!  I later discovered that the second form was required for comparison against the first, to see if any of my answers changed (an indicator of dishonesty).

After hours at that desk, once again trudging through the grime of my past, I turned in the second questionnaire and was finally led into the polygraph room.  It was here that the detective sat me down to discuss, one by one, every single answer I gave on that form.  Confession time!

For the first time in my existence, I verbalized out-loud to another human being things that I had never admitted to another soul in my entire life.  And an amazing thing happened... I was permitted to sift through the garbage, analyze it's origins, then throw it away!

I cannot express the feeling that came over me as I sauntered out of that Sheriff's HQ. It was an indescribable freedom; as if an enormous weight had been lifted from my shoulders.  I had shared my every shady deed with another human being and survived to tell the tale!  I no longer felt the need to constantly look over my shoulder or sleep with one eye open.  I could walk down the street and hold my head high.  My conscience was clear.

I know what you're thinking, "I have to admit all my transgressions to a cop?  Forget it!  They'll throw the book at me!"  Relax.  That was my path.  You just have to find someone you trust ... a friend, your sponsor, a priest, anyone you're comfortable with.  It must be someone you know who will keep their mouth shut and not betray your confidence.  WARNING:  Do NOT walk through Steps 4 & 5 with a group of people, in recovery or otherwise (remember, human beings are fallible and will fail you).

Not to fear... there's good news.  These steps require us to examine and share our good character traits as well.  So be sure to unpack your positive qualities, revel in them, show them to God, then share with someone how AWESOME you are!

Steps #4 & #5 revolve around self forgiveness.  We must forgive ourselves prior to seeking forgiveness from others.  But that's still a few steps away... let's tackle this pig first!