Attraction rather than Promotion

My church has recently instituted a new program aimed at attracting (and keeping) graduates from the alcohol and drug rehabilitation centers we sponsor and run.  Having been heavily involved with these programs over the years, I'm thrilled to see our congregation moving in this direction.


Will it succeed or fail?  Depends.


Since its inception in 1935, the "12 Step" program has attracted millions of people world-wide.  To date, Alcoholics Anonymous boasts a roster of 2,000,000+ active members with a recovery success rate of 48% in members with 5+ years of sobriety (for those who work a regular program).  Recovery revolves around walking a spiritual path and building a relationship with God.  Yet, only a very small percentage ever manage to graduate into the sanctuaries of organized religion.  Why is that?


Several reasons contribute to this phenomena: Resentments, misunderstanding, confusion, and misinterpretation rank among the top.  But the most prevalent cause of religious non-involvement can be summed up in one word... "attraction."  Unless religion succeeds at offering a more attractive option in the minds of addicts, it cannot hope to win their hearts.  


So, what does Recovery have that church doesn't?  To quote an old Recovery adage, "Attraction rather than Promotion."  The 12 Steps recognize that water seeks its own level.  In other words, people seek out their own kind and gravitate toward comfort and familiarity.  Recovery does not force its members into fellowship, within the confines of 4 walls.  Sure, there are official "Recovery Clubs", but at any given time of day, I can find a meeting in a park, a church, a coffee shop, a school, a restaurant, a community center, a tent, or even a bar!   I can find a group that suits me and stick with it, or I can bounce between several groups that I like.  It's up to me!  


If someone in need cannot come to a meeting, the meeting will come to them; "meeting people at their point of need."  Entire groups of recovering alcoholics and addicts volunteer for "H & I" (hospital and institution) visitation.  Others volunteer to man 24/7 recovery phone lines, to answer the call for help any time of day or night. It's not about the building, the books, or the program, it's about the people.  People are the key.  Without them, there is no recovery. 


Does any of this sound familiar?  Sounds kind of like the ideal church, doesn't it?


Here's the beauty part ... Recovery is less about "saying" and more about "showing."  We won't tell you how to live, we'll show you how to live.  One of the founding principles of Recovery is, "If you want what I have, you must do what I did to get it."  In other words, if my life looks appealing to you, follow in my footsteps and you can be happy, joyous, and free.   However, if they do not want what we have, if our lives lack appeal, they will refuse to follow; whereby the exercise becomes futile.

The Rooms of Recovery thrive on meeting the newcomer at their level, where they live, rather than where society expects them to be.  Human beings want to be lifted up, not looked down upon.  Not to say all churches look down on recovering addicts.  In fact, I believe it to be quite the opposite.  However, "reality" does not dictate "perception."  On the contrary, our perceptions determine our realities.  Whether or not we perceive our religion as welcoming and attractive is irrelevant.  It is the newcomer's perception that matters - well founded or not.  In as such, we must relearn proper methods to affect positive perceptions, or we're dead in the water.

As a church body, if we want to grow our ranks via the rooms of recovery, we must learn to cater to THEIR needs, rather than expect them to conform to OURS.  "Attraction rather than Promotion."  A church that masters the precepts of Recovery will surely be blessed with a membership explosion in the ranks.   


I just pray my church gets this right.

Step #4 & #5 - the "twin" steps

Step #4 - "Made a searching and fearless inventory of ourselves."
Step #5 - "Admitted to God, ourselves, and another human being the exact nature of our wrongs."

"Fearless" and "Inventory" side by side in the same sentence... HA!  Seriously?  That's a stretch!  These steps require us to unpack the closet and scatter our dirty little forgotten secrets all over the floor. If that's not bad enough, we then have to examine those defects of character, talk with God about them, then show them to someone else! I've never met anyone who's been able to boldly step into this process without at least a little fear.

Of all the steps, Steps 4 & 5 retain the title for inciting the most relapses.  Time and time again, I have watched newcomers (people new to sobriety) bolt for the door and into the arms of addiction rather than take these steps.

We all have those deep, dark corners of our emotional closets where the dirty little skeletons of our troubled psyches dwell.  We have spent our lives stuffing the pain and shame away.  We shouldered the door closed and bolted it tight.  Nothing on God's green earth could convince us to ever again address the rotting carcasses of our past that lay tucked into those crevices.  Nothing, that is, except these Steps and the promise of a new beginning.

Time to start unpacking, my friend.

When working Steps 4 & 5, I had the overwhelming compulsion toward self-deception.  "I don't have to address my past.  I've asked for forgiveness.  God has forgotten my transgressions; no need to drag all that crud out."  In hindsight, I'm extremely grateful for not heeding such an ill-conceived idea.

I eventually summoned the courage to walk through these steps... while strapped to a lie-detector.  Literally!  I was hooked up to a real life, honest to goodness, no holds barred, fully functioning polygraph machine in the LA County Sheriff's Department.

Allow me to elaborate...

As a kid, I always fostered the dream of one day joining the ranks of law enforcement.  Early on in my recovery I decided to pursue that dream and applied to be a Reserve Officer with the LA County Sheriff's Department.  The screening process for becoming a Reserve Deputy Sheriff involved a thorough background check. One of the steps in the process required a polygraph test.

After my initial interview, the detective in charge of my case sent me home with a questionnaire to fill out.  This document involved 200+ questions that necessitated answers regarding EVERY immoral act that I ever committed.  And not just atrocities I actually committed, but behaviors I may have simply thought about committing.  These pages contained questions that ranged from "Have you ever killed anyone" to "Have you ever had sex with an animal"?  I'm proud to share with you that I was able to honestly answer "no" to both of those enquiries.

I pondered and pained over these questions for days.  "Have you ever stole anything?  Explain."  Anything?  "Have you ever gotten a traffic citation?"  Who hasn't?  "Have you ever been late on a credit card payment?  Have you every been in a physical altercation?  Have you ever lied?"  Seriously??  Who hasn't lied?  "Arson... vandalism... foul language... cheating..." and the list went on and on.  They wanted to know everything I had done and they wanted explanations.  I was required to open my closet of forgotten immoral behaviors, lay them out, and study them.

I finally finished the form and brought it in.  The detective took one look at it, laid it aside, and handed me a blank version of the exact same form.  "Now sit down at this desk and fill it out again."  WHAT?  The first one took me days to complete!  I later discovered that the second form was required for comparison against the first, to see if any of my answers changed (an indicator of dishonesty).

After hours at that desk, once again trudging through the grime of my past, I turned in the second questionnaire and was finally led into the polygraph room.  It was here that the detective sat me down to discuss, one by one, every single answer I gave on that form.  Confession time!

For the first time in my existence, I verbalized out-loud to another human being things that I had never admitted to another soul in my entire life.  And an amazing thing happened... I was permitted to sift through the garbage, analyze it's origins, then throw it away!

I cannot express the feeling that came over me as I sauntered out of that Sheriff's HQ. It was an indescribable freedom; as if an enormous weight had been lifted from my shoulders.  I had shared my every shady deed with another human being and survived to tell the tale!  I no longer felt the need to constantly look over my shoulder or sleep with one eye open.  I could walk down the street and hold my head high.  My conscience was clear.

I know what you're thinking, "I have to admit all my transgressions to a cop?  Forget it!  They'll throw the book at me!"  Relax.  That was my path.  You just have to find someone you trust ... a friend, your sponsor, a priest, anyone you're comfortable with.  It must be someone you know who will keep their mouth shut and not betray your confidence.  WARNING:  Do NOT walk through Steps 4 & 5 with a group of people, in recovery or otherwise (remember, human beings are fallible and will fail you).

Not to fear... there's good news.  These steps require us to examine and share our good character traits as well.  So be sure to unpack your positive qualities, revel in them, show them to God, then share with someone how AWESOME you are!

Steps #4 & #5 revolve around self forgiveness.  We must forgive ourselves prior to seeking forgiveness from others.  But that's still a few steps away... let's tackle this pig first!

Step 3 - Decision Time

Step #3 - "Made a decision to turn our will and lives over to the care of God as we understood Him."


Question:  Three frogs sit on a log.  One of them decides to jump off.  How many frogs remain on the log?
Answer:  Three.  Just because one frog decides to jump, doesn't mean he actually takes the leap.


Step 3 requires us to relinquish control of our lives to God...?  YIKES!   We've spent our entire existence learning the art of self preservation, building a protective shell, looking out for #1, and relying on ourselves because nobody else was willing to step up and take responsibility for our wellbeing.   The prospect of releasing control over to God - an entity that cannot be seen, touched, or heard - defies every every survival instinct we possess.   Trust me when I say, this step took some thought on my part.


When the opportunity to work Step #3 presented itself to me, two things popped to mind... 


1.  Years earlier I made a conscious decision to walk away from God.  I had dug my hole, deep into darkness and addiction.  This may sound strange, but I distinctly remember having a conversation with God about it.  Now, understand, it was not an audible exchange, rather, a very real spiritual back-and-forth of ideas between the Creator and myself.   During this conversation, God said to me, "You are walking in darkness.  I cannot dwell in darkness.  If you choose to continue on this path, you will have to walk alone."
     "Walk alone?" I thought. "Billions of people walk alone every day all over the world.  How hard could it be?"  A question soon to be answered.
     I made a hasty discovery... yes, billions of people walk alone, without the light of God, every day.  This is true.  It also happens to be true that billions of people lead lonely, pain-filled, miserable lives without hope of reprieve.  For the first time in my life I felt totally alone and vulnerable.  The only difference between those billions of people and me was I knew there was a solution.  I had once known the safety of God's companionship and willing gave it up.  My eventual return to the comfort of His care was inevitable.


2.  My life was falling apart in direct proportion to the decisions I had made.  I was miserable and it was my best thinking that got me there.  Left to my own devices, I had managed to entirely dismantle any hope of a joyous and productive life.  The time had come for me to relinquish control of my destiny to someone with a better grip on reality than I.


In short, my very survival was at stake.  The time had come for me to admit that something had to CHANGE.


Change is a scary thing.  Nobody likes change.  Human nature dictates patterns of behavior that form the comfortable inseam of our day-to-day lives.  These patterns are commonly known as "habits."  We spend our entire lives developing a complex web of habits grounded in the hypothesis that our lives will follow easy and predictable patterns, so long as we stay the course and do not deviate.  We inherently understand that disruption of said patterns will assuredly result in the need for decision making and complex thought process.  In other words, CHANGE = WORK (yuck!).  However, if our life isn't working, we must consider instituting change.  Or, CHANGE > WORK (change is greater than work).  But don't sweat it.  We're just deciding to do the work at this point, not actually doing it (yet). Making that "decision" is what Step #3 is all about.  


Step #3 is an "decision" step, not an "action" step.  We're not jumping off the log, just making the decision (Step 3) to jump.   The actual plunge will follow in short order (Steps 4-12).  

Step #2 - Fake it 'til you make it

Step #2 - "Came to believe that a power greater than us could restore us to sanity."

Translation:  "We had to finally admit that God exists and that he alone can bring some order to our chaotic lives."  I know what you're thinking, "Oh, gawd!  God?  Here we go with the 'religious freak' stuff.  Gawd!"

Of all the steps, this is one of the trickiest.  Many of us have spent our entire lives building tremendous resentments against God.  We have put a great deal of time and effort into deconstructing the idea of a divine creator.  Now you're telling us we have to acknowledge that such a being exists in order to straighten out our lives?  What a ripoff!

Relax.  I get it.  I've been there.  Religion's filled with 'holier than thou' hypocritical bigots, right?  I mean, who wants to participate in an institution where people look down their noses and condemn others to hell?  Only a fool would surround himself with such a gaggle of judgmental zealots!

I've got good news ... you're not mad at God, you're mad at RELIGION.  There's a huge difference.  The Church happens to be an institution run by human beings.  Humans, by nature, are fallible.  Even theological records show a God at constant odds with His own followers due to their stiff-necked ignorance.   It's a tale as old as time.

There's more good news... God requires only that you follow Him, not His people.  Dealing with God's followers is in no way a prerequisite for establishing a relationship with Him.   (note: there's no theological basis for believing God is inherently male. "Him, Her, It" ... whatever works for you)

Still not convinced?  Not to worry, there's another option ... "Fake it 'til you make it."  You don't have to believe in God with all your heart, mind, and soul in order to continue onto the next step - you just have to try.  

Many people struggle with this concept.  In order to get through Step #2, they will pick something, anything, to represent "God."  The ocean, a tree, or even a doorknob becomes their representation of a Higher Power.  They focus their prayer and spiritual comfort on that object until God reveals his true form.  They "fake it 'til they make it."

Still others choose "The Group" as their God.  The rooms of Recovery, along with the people who make up the group, become the embodiment of a Higher Power.

WARNING! Some things to consider when making inanimate objects and 'The Group' your God:

• A doorknob offers little in the way comfort during times of struggle, NEVER answers prayer, and succeeds only at achieving total stagnation as a deity. 
• 'The Group', much like the Church, is comprised of human beings who struggle with their own defects.  Inevitably, people (rife with imperfection) will fail you.

I'm not knocking these methods.  If they manage to introduce you to the true Creator, I'm all for it.  Just be sure to have realistic expectations when choosing these paths.

I know, I know... you'll feel like an idiot, right?  One question...To what lengths are you willing travel in order to regain control of your life?  If you answered, "Any lengths," it's time to stuff your pride, put on your big-boy pants, and hit your knees.  Draw nearer to God and He will draw nearer to you.  Nobody ever said change would be easy.  Trying something new takes adjustment and work.

Just remember, your best thinking got you where your are today.

Step #1

Step #1 - "We admitted that we were powerless over alcohol/addiction and our lives had become unmanageable."


In a nutshell, you have to admit that you have a problem.  Simple.


Let's take a trip back in time.  Remember for a moment, if you will, your High School career.  You had dreams, hopes, and aspirations.   What did you want to be when you grew up?  A doctor, lawyer, teacher, scientist, social worker, movie star, professional athlete, housewife or firefighter perhaps?  Most of all, when you peered 10-20 years into your future, did you see yourself as a happy person?  Was your "future self" someone who had made all the right choices, resulting in a successful, joyous, and fruitful life?  


Now ... take a look at where you are today.  How's all that working out for ya?  Not quite what you had envisioned?  Welcome to Step #1!


Step 1 is both the easiest and hardest step to conquer.   The easiest because, in theory, if you're even contemplating taking the step, you know you have a problem and something needs to change.  The hardest because it's the FIRST STEP in completely changing your miserable life.  


Nobody likes change.  But not to worry, this step requires no change at all.  Step #1 simply requires you to take an honest look at your life and admit that things have not turned out exactly as you envisioned them to be.  That's it!


Step #1 Fun Facts:  

• It is the only step that involves any form of physical addiction or malady (Steps 2-12 focus on spiritual and moral reparations).
• You don't have to be an alcoholic or addict to take this step:  Simply replace those terms with one of your own choosing (overeating, gambling, gossiping, jealousy, sin, etc.).
• A journey of 1000 miles begins with the FIRST STEP.
• It is the only step that you must get 100% right prior to moving on to the next step (the rest only require completion to "the best of your ability").

The key to Step #1 is admitting, out-loud to others, the nature of your defect.  In the rooms of Recovery, we call this Identifying.  "Hi, my name is [your name here] and I'm an [your malady here]."  It's that simple.  I know, I know ... it's embarrassing!  Well, I'm guessing a little humility would probably do you a world of good, so get over yourself and take the step.

Now bear in mind, you don't have to follow any of these guidelines to recovery. They are merely suggestions.  The choice is yours.  It's kind of like skydiving ... when you launch yourself out of a plane at 15,000 feet, it is suggested that you pull the ripcord at some point during your decent.  You don't have to, it's merely a suggestion.  The choice is yours.

Me, I choose to pull the ripcord.  So here goes...

"I am an addict.  I am a drinker, a drunkard, a lush, a gutter bum and rummy.  I will drink anything that you put in front of me and anything you leave behind.  I am a stoner, a stumblebum, an alcy, a wino, an inebriate, a drunk, a loader and a waistoid.  “Smoke ‘em if you’ve got ‘em.”  If you’ve got ‘em and you don’t want to smoke ‘em right now, keep an eye on ‘em, or I’ll smoke ‘em when you’re not looking.  I’ll smoke yours, hers, his, and theirs; then I’ll get down on the ground and look for any that may have been dropped by mistake.  

I am under the influence, intoxicated, high, smashed and totally loaded.  “Bottoms up!” got me where I am - the bottom of the bottle and barrel.  Rock bottom.  I am the source of your embarrassment, your shame, your denial, your loneliness and your pain.  I am he who stands at the freeway onramp; the one you pretend to ignore.  I am the dregs of society and the leaders of nations, the transients and the upper crust.  I am your brother, your sister, your father, your mother, your daughter and your son.  

Hi, my name is Guy and I am an alcoholic." (yep... feels right!)

Desert Island

Alcohol is as old as time.  When that first person stepped on that first grape the first alcoholic was born.  Since then, alcohol has been engrained in our society, in our very survival.  

Up until modern times, public water sources were commonly tainted with cholera and dysentery, eliminating water as a viable source of sustinance.  The alcohol content in wine, along with the distillation process of beer and liquor, made for a sterile environment; impossible for bacteria to survive.

Mankind had two choices:  Die at age 20 of cholera and dysentery, or die at age 40 of liver failure.  Many chose the latter.  Those who had a low tolerance for alcohol died at an early age.  So who was left standing?  The drunks!

We are the end result of a long line of alcoholics.  The survivors!

Fortunately, we live in a day and age where the drinking water is safe.  More so, we live at a time where there is hope.  Only over the last 70 years has recovery become available.  Up until then, people just suffered with their disease; incurable, miserable, and hopeless.

So, why do it?  Why put yourself through such despair? 

Whether it's alcohol, drugs, or nicotine, addiction can only be described as a physical hunger.  If you were stranded on a deserted island and starving to death, you would do anything to get a hold of the nutrients that your body needed.  If that meant getting on all fours and sucking insects out of the dirt, you would do it.  If it meant survival, you would do it.  

I’m not sure how it works, but substance abuse messes with your head in much the same way.  Somehow your body convinces your brain that, like food and water, it absolutely requires that substance (i.e. alcohol, drugs, nicotine) for survival.  So much so that a person can die from detoxification, just as they would from malnutrition or dehydration.  

We addicts will go to any lengths to obtain our high.  We're literally starving to death on our own island of despair, surrounded by the waters of society.  There's no low too low.  It's simply a matter of time before we hit the bottommost depths of incomprehensible demoralization.  We have no choice.  It's a matter of survival.  Or so we think.