Unconditional Love

I have come to realize that "unconditional love" is a far rarer concept than most believe it to be. The majority of love/friendships we currently hold in our lives are, in fact, "conditional."

But what does that mean?

We have all experienced a break-up with a boyfriend, girlfriend, spouse, significant other, etc., in which our "shared friends" were halved after the dissolution of the relationship. Suddenly, people whom we loved, respected (and believed respected us), with whom we laughed and cried are suddenly gone, out of our lives. They have chosen to retain their friendship with our former partner and, in turn, ended all contact with us.

Those so-called friends only loved us under the condition that we remained in a relationship with our partner. It was "conditional love."

We have many of these conditional relationships in our lives: Work friends who (seem to) care about us so long as we're employed under the same roof as them, social climbing friends who flit through our lives on their way up the social ladder, current and former schoolmates, those who orbit in the same hobby/church/social groups as us, and so on. 

Personally, I have found the most intriguing group of conditional friends to be my "old party friends." Early on, I was faced with the quandary of whether to continue relations with my drinking buddies, once sober. Should I remain friends with them or exercise self-preservation and walk away?

A particularly difficult relationship to justify was my mentor - a dear friend who was a hope-to-die alcoholic. Early in my sobriety, he invited me out to dinner, which was (of course) at a local bar. 

That night, he ordered a particularly "colorful" cocktail that I had not seen before. "What's that?" I asked.

"This is a (insert exotic cocktail name here)" he said, as he slid the drink in my direction.

Out of reflex, I snatched the drink and lifted it to my mouth. The cocktail was inches from my lips when my brain screamed, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING???" I set the drink down and slid it back - close call.

He knew I was sober, yet he put me in a tenuous situation.  But it wasn't his fault... I put MYSELF in that situation. This was the type of place where we had established our friendship, it was a common stomping ground. If I was to continue our friendship, it would be mired in this sort of temptation. As much as I adored my friend, I had to step back and put distance between us. 

Another one of my drinking buddies, a guy who was like a brother to me, actively despised the idea of losing me to sobriety. He regularly and blatantly tempted me into relapse. Likewise, I was forced to make a choice between our friendship and my sobriety. I chose the latter.

In these situations, with these friends, I was absolutely guilty of withholding "unconditional love" for my brothers. It was a quandary... if I offered my love to them, I wouldn't be able to give it to myself.

Eventually, I grew strong enough in my recovery to return to those friendships and once again offer that love. I don't regret my decision to step away... I had to do what was right for me and my sobriety.

In our first year of recovery, unconditional love is not an option -- whether it be old drinking buddies, romantic relationships, or toxic family members -- WE HAVE TO BE SELFISH.  

Nobody in this world will look out for your wellbeing better than you. Setting boundaries with others does not make us bad people, it makes us survivors.