You're Not That Important

In early sobriety, I had a run-in with a meter maid outside my apartment. She slapped a ticket on my car for street sweeping. I pointed out that the sweeper had already passed before I parked. She stepped back, eyed the trail of water beneath my bumper, and said, “No, it had to go around your vehicle.”

It was a lie. Blatant. We both knew it.

I lost it—called her a few names I won’t repeat—and stormed off.

After that, things got weird. My car became a magnet for parking enforcement. Tickets started piling up. Measured tire distances. Tows. Like I’d made some secret enemies in City Hall. I was sure they were out to get me.

Eventually, I vented to my sponsor, fed up and ready to raise hell.

He smiled and said, “Nobody cares what you think.”

I blinked. “What?”

He didn’t flinch. “You’re not that important.”

I was stunned. Offended. How dare he?

And yet—he was right.

It took a long time for that truth to land: I’m not the center of the universe. My fear feeds my pride, which feeds my rage. It's a cycle. A trap. And it shows up everywhere.

The guy who cuts the line at Starbucks. The gym bro hogging the machine while scrolling through his  Instagram. It’s always something. Always someone. I feel the “Karen” rising in my chest, ready to lecture the world on how they’re failing me.

But then I remember: nobody cares what I think.

I’m not special.

Weird, right?

How Do You Eat an Elephant?

One bite at a time.

So often we look at the big picture and become overwhelmed with the size of the task in front of us, then get frustrated and give up before we even begin.

My problem is that I'm always trying to eat the entire elephant in one sitting rather than taking it one bite at a time.

I don't have to be sober for the rest of my life, I just have to be sober today. 

I don't have to make the hard amends, I just have to do the ones I can do and worry about the rest later.

I don't have to change the world, I just have to change my little corner of it.

I don't have to be perfect, I just have to be a little bit better today than I was yesterday. 

Inches turn into miles.

Progress, not perfection.

Garbage In, Garbage Out

That's something my mother used to say... "Garbage in, garbage out."

The meaning is simple: We can absolutely be corrupted by our life choices. What you put into your mind is what you'll get out. 

I've discovered that I can't watch road rage or Ukraine war videos anymore. My "Id" (the primitive "reptile" part of my brain) doesn't know how to differentiate between footage and actual events. That is to say, when I watch real warfare on YouTube, my lizard brain assumes that I'm actually there, in the action, losing buddies and fighting for my life.

I soon discovered that letting that kind of negativity into my head was affecting my moods. I was growing increasingly angry and depressed. When I analyzed what was happening, it became clear that I needed to eliminate the negative input in order to redirect my moods.

I had to explore the things that were effecting my psyche and bringing me down. Recognizing the cause of negative behaviors was the first step toward changing myself and becoming a better person.

The change didn't happen in an instant. It took work.

The same goes for forgiveness. Saying "I forgive you" can sometimes work for little indiscretions, but not as easy for the big ones.

I once had a sponsee who was struggling with the 9th Step. He couldn't bring himself to make amends to his uncle who had molested him as a child. Who could blame him? He thought he had to apologize in order to make amends.

I explained to him that amends wasn't about apologizing, it was about doing whatever it takes to forgive yourself and/or the other person for past wrongs. Often times, this forgiveness requires an apology, but not always.

The key is to realize that forgiveness doesn't happen all at once with the wave of a magic wand-- it takes time and patience. The greater the grievance, the longer and more difficult the process of forgiveness.

Forgiveness is a choice--to forgive doesn't mean we forget.

We don't heal to forgive, we forgive to heal. It is one of the most important steps toward changing our lives for the better. 

If we wait until we feel like forgiving, we'll never do it.