Animal Instinct

I have always found it odd that humans have the ability to hate someone without ever having met them. 

Happens all the time. We hear stories about celebs, sports stars, musicians, politicians and allow our personal "truth" to evolve via confirmation bias. We have no concrete evidence of reported behaviors from aforementioned celebrities, but no matter, we accept the offered tales as "truth" and affirm our dislike for that individual with a fierce and loathsome prejudice.

I've had it happen in my personal life, having discovered (usually after the fact) that someone I had never spoken to (much less personally harmed) harbored a deep disdain for me. This person didn't just dislike me, they despised me and actively dragged my name through the mud. They had been influenced by a third-party who held a grudge and decided to pick up the torch of hatred and carry it into battle against someone they didn't know, regarding an issue that didn't involve them.

Not just the one person. Many people. Many times.

INSANE.

Why? What is behind such stupidity?

Turns out the answer is fairly simple: People are animals.

Have you ever noticed how a flock of birds moves with one mind? If one of them senses danger and takes to flight, the entire flock will follow suit, without question. The birds don't require personal contact with the predator, or even visual confirmation, they just "take their buddy's word for it" and fly away.

It's a survival technique.

In the same way, humans are pack animals.

In 10,000 BC, if a fellow villager ran out of the jungle a yelled, "Look out! There's a sabertooth tiger in the bushes!" you didn't go investigate to see if the danger was real; you took his word for it and RAN! It's how our species survived.

Nowadays, there are no man-eating lions in the bushes (at least not in my neighborhood), but the "instinct" still survives. Many humans (let's be honest, typically the "lower evolved" and "less intelligent" ones) have yet to differentiate between a predatory sabertooth and the person who may be competing for a job promotion against their pal. When their buddy says, "That guy doesn't deserve the promotion, he's a big jerk that cheats on his wife!" - that's all it takes. There will be no investigation, no questioning... he'll just assume his buddy is telling the truth and ring the alarm to notify the rest of the village.

9 of 10 times, his buddy is bending the truth (if not outright lying) in order to spread disinformation that will (hopefully) get back to the employer and discredit the competition. He's willing to manipulate people around him and ruin his rival's reputation in order to get what he wants. 

He's not a good person. If you fall for his manipulations and do his bidding, you're not a good person, either.

This approach worked well for our ancestors, but in the modern age it lacks empathy and kindness. In order to better ourselves as human beings and make the world a better place, it's high time we learn to manage our instincts and opt for intelligence, fair play, and benevolence.

It's a big ask, but I'm pretty sure we're a bit more evolved than a flock of pigeons.

Push to Failure

“It’s not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters.”                              -Epictetus

To put it another way, "We can't control what happens, but we can control our response."

We've all had dreams. Whether it was to be an astronaut, the president of the US, or first baseman of the NY Yankees. Or maybe it was a more attainable dream; perhaps to go to a particular college, become a doctor, or raise a family.

Did you achieve those dreams? Did your addiction get in the way? Did you fail to fulfill them?

Good news! Dreams are not defeated through failure, only by failing to try in the first place. 

So many people push themselves up to the point of failure, then quit for fear of failing. They don't understand that failure is good! Identifying the point of failure is the only way to avoid it -- It's a key component to success and growth. 

In weight lifting, there's a concept known as "pushing to failure." The idea is that you keep stacking more and more weights on the bar until you physically cannot lift the bar. Essentially, your muscles "fail" at the given task. 

At this point, an amazing thing happens... your muscles say, "Hey, this is too heavy. We can't lift it!' To which your brain responds, "Then we need to do something about that!" and signals your muscles to grab more protein from your blood stream to build themselves up in order to lift that weight.

So, those big body-builders you see down at muscle beach... they got that way by repeated failure!

Then there's the naysayers and gatekeepers; people who love to wallow in mediocrity. The only thing they fear more than change is the possibility of failure. As such, they wage war against anything or anyone who attempts to succeed, because success arrives hand-in-hand with the thing they fear most -- failure. Your dream threatens to rock the boat and highlight their mediocrity, therefore it must be destroyed. 

They will set themselves up as gatekeepers, blocking you from moving forward.

Many times, they will succeed... and that's okay. 

Years ago, I worked as a youth pastor for a flailing church in Southern California. The head pastor decided we should run a summer day-camp program and asked me to organize it. "Of course," he explained, "we have to clear it with headquarters, first."

This particular "headquarters" was no different than any other governing body, as it was mired in protocol and politics. The hope of getting anything accomplished in an expedient time-frame was wishful thinking, at best. As expected, our "approval" came at the 11th hour... far too late to launch a successful summer program (most parents had scheduled their child's summer activities MONTHS prior).

The program was a DISMAL failure, an utter embarrassment. Since I was responsible for launching the program, all fingers pointed at me. When I pushed back on HQ regarding the impossible timeline due to their tardy approval, their response was, "You shouldn't have waited for approval, you should have just done it!"

Anyone who has worked in a bureaucracy knows first-hand the folly behind that bit of advice. Had I moved without approval, I would have been in trouble. If I didn't, the program would fail. It was a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" situation, if ever there was one.

I wanted to blame someone. I wanted people to know it was the gate keepers, not me, who foiled the plan. I had everything lined up, ready to go... it was their incompetence that caused the program to fail, not mine!

Eventually, I realized that it was my fault in the end. The success or failure of the program laid with me alone. What's the worst that would have happened had I moved forward without permission? A slap on the wrist, at most. As my father always says, "Success covers a multitude of sins." 

It was my failure for relying on visionless people to comprehend and support my dream.  

In sobriety, we will have naysayers and gatekeepers. Our sobriety will require change, which will threaten some of those around us. They will resist the idea and want us to fail. They will slow us down and throw up roadblocks. They will erect temptation and lay obstacles in our path. If we succumb, they will point at us and say, "See, we told you, you would fail! Why do you even bother trying?"

We can't rely on their support to stay sober. We have to do it ourselves. 

And even if we fail, all is not lost... just pick a new date and try again. Failure is not a death sentence. Failing to try is a death sentence. Literally.

That said, if you once had a dream of becoming the President, it's never to late to try... after all, the current Commander-and-Chief is in his 80's!

Am I an Alcoholic?

The only person who can answer this question for you, is you.

To help you determine for yourself, honestly answer "yes or no" to the following questions:

Do you ever drink alone?

Do you ever have to hide your drinking?

Have you ever lied about your drinking to a doctor, employer, or loved one?

Have you ever been pulled over for drinking and driving?

Has a doctor ever told you to cut back on your drinking?

Has drinking ever negatively affected your life, job, or relationships in any way?

Do you order extra drinks at last call or finish other people's drinks for them?

Do you ever black out?

Have you ever set limits on your drinking (e.g. "I'll only have one drink, then I'm leaving" or "Only wine and beer, no more hard stuff" or "No drinking during the weekdays, only weekends", etc.)? Did you ultimately fail at those limitations?

Have you ever felt like your drinking has held you back, that your life might be better if you didn't drink?

If you answered "yes" to one of these questions, you might be an alcoholic. If you answered "yes" to two of these questions, you're probably an alcoholic. If you answered "yes" to three of these questions... you're DEFINITELY an alcoholic.

As a newcomer, I didn't want to believe I was an alcoholic. "I never drank during the day... I never blacked out... I never, I never, I never..." I was looking for the differences, rather than the similarities.

How many times have we heard of someone who died of a heart attack because they only had "a few" symptoms of heart failure, so they decided to ignore the problem? Perhaps they had numbness and aching in their left arm, but they didn't feel pain or tightness in their chest, so they disregarded it. Looking for the "differences" in their symptoms, rather than the "similarities," resulted in their death.

The same goes for addiction. Just because you only have a few symptoms of alcoholism doesn't mean you don't have the disease. You're not off the hook.

For me, it came down to "Control and Enjoy": 

I could absolutely control my drinking. I'd say to myself, "I'll only have one drink at the bar, then I'm leaving"**  I'd have one drink and I'd leave, no problem... but I didn't enjoy that drink because I knew it wasn't enough to get me where I needed to be.

I could also enjoy my drinking by taking the governor off and imbibing until I was sated (AKA "passed out"). In other words, control had to be set aside so that enjoyment could be had.

I had the ability to control, I had the ability to enjoy, but I was incapable of doing them both at the same time. For me, the inability to control and enjoy, simultaneously, makes me an alcoholic.

At the end of the day, as previously stated, nobody can tell you if you're an alcoholic. The only person who can determine that truth for you is you.

So, are you an alcoholic? That's not the important question. The real questions is, what are you going to do about it?

** Do you know who never says this to themself? People who aren't alcoholics.

Bad Apples

"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing." -Edmund Burke

I've been a member of many churches, AA groups, and fellowships. At the core of every one of them was the promotion of unity, love, and compassion. Yet, without fail, nearly every one of these groups became overrun by bad apples; bullies who forced their will upon those around them, then went to war with anyone who would dare oppose.

These "Bad Apple Takeovers" seem to be universal across the board. 

So, why do good men do nothing?

The very nature of a good person is to promote kindness, empathy, compassion and good will. By nature, the good person wants nothing to do with negativity. As such, they remain silent or move on to another fellowship, whereby leaving a void to be filled by the responsible bad apple. 

Conversely, the nature of a bad apple is to pursue conflict, stir the pot of dissonance, and crush opposing voices. Once the good people are silenced or driven off, they proceed to gain control and run the group into the ground.

Therein lies their strength: The uncanny ability to convince others of the righteousness of their cause.

Once destroyed, the bad apple will find someone else to blame for the group's misfortune, then move onto another fellowship to repeat the process, ad infinitum. 

To be fair, these "bad apples" are rarely malicious. They REALLY believe they're doing what's best for the group. Their only fault lay in their utter incompetence coupled with a heightened arrogance that clouds the gift of self-reflection. 

What's the answer? Simple: Good men (and women) must DO something!

Conflict requires courage. Without courage, evil thrives.

Be good. Have courage. Do something.

To Sleep, Perchance to Dream

When I was little, my mother gave me children's cold medicine. It tasted like syrup. I liked it. She told me, "Don't ever take more than I give you. If you do, you'll go to sleep and never wake up."

Looking back, that was a strange way to explain death to a child. I remember believing her to mean I would literally fall into an eternal slumber, a la Sleeping Beauty or Snow White, requiring some dashing prince (or in my case, princess) to come along and break the spell. I didn't understand the permanence of death; the finality of it.

I recently sifted through my FaceBook friend list, amazed at how many people I know who have passed. As I looked back, I counted more than a dozen friends and family members whom I've lost over the years. A couple were taken by tragic accidents, a couple by early onset heart disease, but the rest, every last one, died as the result of addiction. 

Gone too young. Gone too soon.

The path of addiction leads one place: The Grave. 

Addiction has a 100% mortality rate. 

For addicts, the age of 65 is considered a "long life." Most suffer horrible, drawn-out deaths in their 40's and 50's.  I've known many, many, many active alcoholics and addicts... not one of them have lived past their mid 60's.

Not. One. 

To paraphrase a line from the brilliantly written "Stand By Me"... these folks ain't sick, these folks ain't sleeping, these folks are dead.

Sadly, I still have loved ones who live deep within their addiction. I have attempted to 12-Step them, to no avail. They stand in the queue to an early demise. There's nothing I can do.

For them, there will be no Prince Charming.

My focus must be on those who choose to live.

Chip Chap

I just took a chip for 21 years sober.

That's a long time.

To put it into perspective, someone born on my sobriety date would now be old enough to legally drink. Hard to believe it's been that long.

I think back to my first chip... a "Welcome" chip. 

I had always been able to quit drinking for short spurts, here and there, when I wanted (or needed) to. If I felt my drinking was getting too out of hand (which was all the time), I was able to hang up the bottle and dry out for a week or month, then hop back off the wagon.

This time was different. I couldn't put the bottle down for even one night. I poured all the booze down the sink, determined to stop myself from drinking... 20 minutes later I was standing in the liquor store. I got home, chastised myself, and poured all the newly bought liquor down the drain. 20 minutes later I was standing in the liquor store. 

I repeated this process 3-4 times (the liquor store owner must have thought I was either crazy or throwing a major rager) before I finally gave in and drank. It was at this point that I knew I couldn't do it alone and needed help.

I showed up to my first meeting, a "Newcomer's Meeting," at what was to become my home group in Burbank, CA. Walking into that room and asking for help was the HARDEST thing I've ever had to do, no contest. When they asked for newcomers to stand, identify, and accept a welcome chip, I complied. Trembling, I approached the front and accepted my first chip.

That chip, my Welcome Chip, was hands-down the HARDEST chip I've ever earned.

I don't remember much about that meeting, but I do remember the 30 day chips. I know other chips and cakes were taken, but I don't remember them. The 30 day chips stood out because they were attainable. I remember watching people receive their 30 day chips and thinking, "They're no different from me... if they can do that, I can do that."  

And I did. I put 30 days together and received my second chip in sobriety: My 30 day chip.

That chip, my 30 day chip, was the SECOND hardest chip I've ever earned.

Third hardest? My 60 day chip. 

You can see where I'm going with this - they've gotten progressively easier over the years.

This week, I took a chip for 21 years of sobriety and can say, without reservation, so far it's the easiest chip I've ever earned.

Good News, Bad News

Congratulations! You're sober! There's good news and bad news...

The good news: You get your emotions back. 

The bad news: You get your emotions back.

My emotional development arrested around the age of 19 (when I started drinking daily). For the next 15(ish) years, I lived inside a bottle with my emotions stuffed neatly in my pocket. 

I didn't have to deal with the pesky things... it was great!

Problem was, when I finally got sober in my 30's, I had the emotional maturity of a teenager. I had spent the prior decade running from my feelings. When I got sober, all those buried emotions surfaced and I had NO idea how to deal with them! I was a mess!

"Substance abuse" was not my problem. My anger, my sadness, my impatience... my "emotions" were my problem. My feelings caused me pain -- so I drank to stop feeling. 

Easy-peasy. 

Turns out, the pain was caused by early trauma that lived at the root of my addiction (I've never met an addict, in or out of the rooms, who didn't suffer from some sort of past trauma). Despite this, I could never recall the origin of the wound. I assumed it was there, perhaps something that happened in my infancy, some sort of abuse that I couldn't (or wouldn't) remember.

Then I learned something...

There are two types of trauma: "Big Trauma" (Big T) and "Little Trauma" (Little T). Big T's are the obvious traumas often trumpeted in today's headlines - child abuse/molestation, violence, sexual assault, tragic accidents, etc.. These are the major life events that leave deep scars, easily identified. 

Little T's are the smaller traumas that happen on a daily basis - bullying, neglect, criticism, name calling, etc..  These traumas are akin to "a death by a thousand cuts" as they go unnoticed until it's too late. They are the most pervasive because we tend to minimize them, "Oh that was no big deal... it was just sibling rivalry... that's just boys being boys... we all go through that... etc." The open neglect of this type of trauma burrows into a festering chasm within our psyche. 

Upon learning this new info, I took a deep look into my past. What happened to me? From where were those emotions bubbling?

Big T: Uncovering this trauma was easy, as there was really only one I could remember. At the age of 11 my family went on vacation. While swimming the hotel pool, I met an older boy who befriended me and invited me back to his hotel room. On the way, he said he needed to make a stop in the lobby men's room. Once inside, after confirming the restroom was empty, he pushed me into a stall and preceded to molest me. Fortunately, someone entered the restroom and scared him off before the attack could escalate to rape. It was a brief but highly traumatic encounter that left a deep scar.

Little T: I was severely bullied by an older sibling throughout my childhood. The beatings were constant, the name-calling was daily, the belittling was persistent, the abuse was unrelenting. It seemed my older brother hated me. The Little T's piled up, year upon year, until I was forced to build a defensive wall of anger and aggression to protect my fragile psyche. I refer to this as my "anger origin story."

I asked for help. I cried, I begged. My pleas went unheeded, my weeping unheard.

Both my Big and Little T's resulted in a core wound of "helplessness." All the trauma I had experienced made me feel weak and powerless. The minimization of the abuse expounded the helplessness. I realized at an early age that nobody could help me but me. I swore, when I was big enough, no one would ever push me around or hurt me again. 

Over the following years I trained in martial arts and firearms, lifted weights, and focussed my aggression. My triggers: The insults heaped on me as a child, any form of disrespect or bullying, and God help you if you dared touch me in anger. 

I would die on my feet, rather than live on my knees. 

The abuse formed my personality.

As a result, I've spent the last 20 years of sobriety working through my anger. A large part of my step-work involved identifying my character defects and taking small steps, every day, to work through the trauma. I've learned that patience is a big trigger for my anger, so that's where I've learned to put the most effort. 

I'm a long way from perfect, but I'm getting there... One day at a time.

-----------------------------------

Let me be perfectly clear about one thing: It's nobody's fault. 

I don't blame my brother in ANY way for my wounds. I love my brother. He was just a kid himself, dealing with trauma of his own and walking through it the only way he knew how - by acting out his anger. He was a child who had pain he didn't know how to deal with. I feel compassion for that scared, angry little boy.

Today my brother is one of my best friends. He grew to be a great husband, an amazing father, and a sincere man of God (not many people I can say that about). He has made a living-amends to me a thousand times over.

I also don't blame my parents. They were outstanding guardians who loved us, protected and provided for us, and did the best they could. It was a different time... they simply didn't know back then that we know today. I have only love and admiration for them.

No one is to blame. What happened, happened. I can spend my life pointing the finger and flying the "poor me" flag, or I can grab my tools and get to work on fixing myself.

If I don't, the only person I have to blame is me.